Fellas: 12 Reasons Why A Women Would Rather Remain Single Than Date You
One of the more reoccurring relationship questions black men, in particular, ask– or the one I see most online–are around why a woman doesn’t want them.
Well not exactly a question. He will never come right out and ask that. That would require a bit of vulnerability and less ego. But instead, we hear and read stuff like: “Black women are gold diggers and only want ballers,” or “Black women only want thugs and to be on welfare.” I think you get what I’m saying…
So in the interest of helping the brothers figure it out, I comprised a list of very valid reasons why the much quoted 70 percent of black mothers and 40 percent of professional black women (or whatever shape-shifting percentage is being thrown around this week) would rather stay single than to hook up with you.
Yes clench those teeth and hold onto your seats, because this post is gonna hurt a bit…
You’re A Coward
In the timelessly true words of Syleena Johnson, “If you wanna play the boss, (guess what), you got to pay the cost. You want to wear the pants (guess what), you got to be a man…” Seriously, I don’t know how more plain I can make it for you but to say, too many of you gentlemen are hiding behind women, while they do all the heavy lifting. Too many of you hide behind women and wait: you wait for your mama’s to vouch for you; you wait for your sister, girl cousins and ’em to beat up/deal with that threatening girl for you; you wait and hide behind ridiculing all black women – particularly for their style of dress and appearance – while refusing to hold that same open and brazen contempt at the white man. Well, sorry “brothers,” but many of us choosy women of standards and excellence want a man, who can fearlessly stands up and is both accountable and responsible. So if the women you want the most ain’t checking for you, perhaps you need to check how align you are with what it means to be a real man.
You Don’t Know How to Use Your Hands
And I’m not talking using hands for finger popping or to punch a woman in the face neither. But rather, there are way too many men decrying “tradition” and the fact that the modern-day woman doesn’t know how to cook. I always found this ironic because I don’t see too many dudes out here knowing how to build and repair houses and change tires and stuff. You know, some of the other traditions, which men are supposedly supposed to know how to do. That and bring home the bacon – both literal and figuratively. Man, I once dated a dude, who was scared to kill a spider on the wall. I politely told him to, “get the hell out and don’t come back!” The spider got to say though.
Even worse, today’s contemporary man is not even good at using his hands for even some of the more non-stereotypical tasks, like cooking or cleaning up around the house. And that’s quite pitiful as it sets some dudes up with the false impression that if they put on a suit and tie and have a bunch of college degrees in one hand and a big check from the white man in the other, that makes them a complete catch. Nope, women like tradition too. And we like our men to be productive. So if the women with standards are passing you by, well one of the reasons might be that you don’t have jacksh*t to really offer them.
You Are Too Dependent
While some black men accuse black women of being too independent, the reality is that some black men lack ambition. It’s time that you low-achieving mofos stop trying to stop a woman from achieving and instead, go rise. Rise, I say! And be the Phoenix you were born to be.
What that means is get off your “girlfriends” couch (because the eviction notice is coming soon) and out of your mother’s basement. Go get a trade. Take a course at Everest even. Basically do something you lazy and wack bastard. Maybe with some perseverance, you might not only get the girl, but finally graduate from fries to the front register. Basic bum b*tch!
You Are Too Aggressive
If the word around town is you are a woman-beater – or if your idea of approaching a woman is to yell obscenities and vulgarities at her on the street – seek therapy and not a girlfriend. That is all.
You Get Lost Downtown
You stick it in, and pull it out, and stick it in…and that’s the extent of your sexual skill level. Meanwhile, she’s thinking about if she remembered to program the DVR to record her reality shows. Or what time your cousin gets off work because somebody has to finish up what you can’t do. Oh you think I’m just being caddish? Well I actually had a girlfriend, who got tired of her husband being lazy in bed – to the point that she always had to be on top – that she took up with his family member on the side. It sounds sleazy but I can’t be too mad at her: she told him many times about his lack of skill in bed and his advice was for her to stop complaining and acting like a whore and to just deal with it. So she did…
If admittedly your skills in the sheets are subpar, my advice is to check out some of the dancehall or afro-pop videos on Youtube, paying particular attention to how the male entertainers swivel their hips around, and work that out between the sheets. Girls like that. Also, eat the box as science has shown, time and time again, that a good tongue game is just as satisfying as the actual D.
Your Sneakers Are Gangsta-Leaning in Two Different Directions
You broke basic bum dude! It is 2014. Opportunities are everywhere. To keep this a plain as possible: Get your weight up. Nobody likes a broke dude. Nobody. Not even other dudes.
You Have Too Many Kids
A single man with more than a single child, had better have been previously divorced – and have his papers too boot. If not then I’m sorry to say fellas, most women will have a hard time taking a man, who just gives his sperm away, too seriously as a partner. Oh, we may date you and even give you some (with plenty of birth control and protection of course) out of boredom (ours), but just like a cheap vending machine filled with junky, empty calories, most times, we’ll just pass you by on our way to the fresh vegetable and fruit stand. #TeamHealthyDiets.
So if this is you, you might want to lower your standards a bit and date women more in your league – seriously what is wrong with a hoodrat? She ain’t doing nothing any way might as well put her to use helping you with all those little darlings. Or consider adoption.
You Are Uncultured
If the only shoes you have in your closet are Jordans – and you are a man in his thirties – you are a basic bum dude! Go to a museum or gallery. See some art. Eat some different foods. Take some continuing education courses, just for fun. See an independent film with subtitles. And get a passport and go someplace far away. In short, nobody likes a dummy. Not even women. We like men, who can hold a conversation and our attention outside of how good you can stroke the kitten. And if the only thing you ever have to talk about is what Skip Bayless said on ESPN, than don’t expect us to keep you around for beyond a free meal, some drinks and maybe a roll in the sack or two.
You Kind of Seem Gay
This is a touchy one because it goes at all sorts of intersections and discussions around proper masculinity. However if we can be real here: some of you men act like you are more interested in my brother and his homies than you are in me. And I’m not talking the overtly-flamboyant mannerisms we normally associate with feminine men, but rather men, who talk too much about hating gays – and not wanting to accidentally be perceived as gay. I was once in a conversation with a dude, who said that he refused to eat fruit toppings and whip cream on his pancakes because he didn’t want anyone to confuse him for gay. Nope, nothing gay about that.
My advice: butch up. Or better yet, just go date a dude. Seriously, it is 2014 and nobody really cares about that stuff anymore – unless of course you are trying to get into the Dr. Umar Johnson Academy of Denial and Sexual Repression…
You’re Too Fat
Yeah I know, this is rich coming from a black woman, who according to all sorts of statistics, suffers the highest rate of being overweight and obese in the entire country. But according to the US Office of Minority Health, 70 percent of all black men are consider either obese or overweight, which is only just ten percentage points under women.
That means that there are lots of Spongebob Square-arse men walking around here, expecting a woman to look like Janet Jackson when they look like Randy Jackson from American Idol. And don’t get it twisted: women like tight bodies too. Our indiscriminate lust for #FelonyBae should have told you that. So my advice is to put down the hoagies and Welch’s Grape and pick up some weights and a gym membership. As we are judging you too. And while it might be too late for this summer, next summer you might have the ladies flocking.
You’re Just Not a Nice Guy
And yes, that is in spite of what you put on your eHarmony profile. Whenever a guy tells me: “I’m a nice guy.” I actually hear: “I’m only smiling, listening and indulging you because I think I’m going to be able to stick it in, and out, and in again – without the afro-pop – and I’m going to flip on you something awful, once I find out that you really have no intention of giving me some.” This is not conjecture but rather real life experience. The guy, who threatened violence against me, after I turned down his final request, said he was a nice guy too.
Truth is though that some nice guys never have to convince the world that they are nice guys. Nor do they do things out of expectation of something else. Real nice guys respect space and boundaries. And they do stuff for women because they just like doing nice stuff for people. And you know, women are people too!
My advice for you so-called “nice guys” is to work on your entitlement issues, practice some humility and discover what it truly means to be a nice guy. Perhaps volunteering in the community or getting yourself a nice guy mentor, who can teach you how not to be a dick to women.
You Might Be A Decent Guy, But Not My Decent Guy
Listen everybody doesn’t like everybody else. And just like men can be choosey lovers, women too have that option to not accept every advance made at her. My advice: Get over it!
This was my list of the top reasons why women probably don’t want to date you. I would like to give a special shout out to all the inspirations behind this post (including the tongue-in-cheek snark, generalizations, bad advice, some seriousness and flat-out mayhem and debauchery), particularly:
10 Reasons Successful Black Women Are Single by Evan Moore.
Five Reason You Don’t Have A Man by Farrah Gray
These Hoes Ain’t Loyal, by Chris Brown (remixed by Pastor Jamal Bryant)
ANY article on black women’s dating habits or single mothers in general by Dr. Boyce Watkins
Tommy Sotomayor, Tariq Nasheed and the other members of No MA’AM
All the lady misogynist, jockeying for the male gaze and attention.
Actually there are too many “inspirations” to name, but you get the point…