Are You An Alpha Woman Looking For Love? Why Dating A Less Ambitious Beta Male Won’t Necessarily Make You Happy

June 18, 2014  |  


It recently dawned on me all the creative lengths that “experts” will go to explain to women just how all of their supposed relationship woes are due to them having standards that are too high.

Take for example this new relationship book geared towards the Sheryl Sandberg-type of women who “lean in.” According to Kate Dries of Jezebel, the book, which is by Dr. Sonya Rhodes and Susan Schneider, is called The Alpha Woman Meets Her Match: How Today’s Strong Women Can Find Love and Happiness without Settling. But despite the title’s claim, the book is actually, according to Dries, all about telling women to settle in relationships. More specifically, “Alpha” women should stop dating and chasing after those Alpha men and instead find themselves a nice and gentle Beta soul.

Dries writes in her analysis of the book:

Going beyond value judgments associated with the terms Alpha and Beta, she advises women to look past the overly competitive, domineering Alpha male for a man who’s in touch with his inner Beta qualities—someone who is communicative, responsible, thoughtful, and collaborative. Demonstrating that most people are a combination of both sets of qualities, she includes a revealing test to help readers define where they (and their partners) are on the Alpha-Beta spectrum.

Yes, there is a quiz. And it gives you colors. Out of curiosity – and my love of colors – I tried to take it, but the server kept crashing. I tried several more times over the course of 24 hours, but still no luck. However, if we are to go exclusively by my own tenacity, I judge myself to be an Alpha, done in a pale sky blue. As for Dries, she writes that she did take the quiz and determined that she was a purple, which means that she is an emotional person who lacks confidence. The quiz advised her to seek out other purples, but I’m wondering how you work that questionnaire into your first date?

My issue is that the quiz is also for your partner to take, but if you’re already in a relationship, why are you taking the test in the first place? And what happens if you both discover that after years of romantic bliss, you are a light and airy gold and he is a deep blanched almond? Obviously those colors don’t match well – not for relationships, nor for accent walls. So what then? Sounds like unnecessary drama if you ask me.

And that is one of the many problems I have with such Khmer Rouge forced mate-matching dating advice. One of the other issues I have is that all the advice is based on convincing women that there is something wrong with liking what they like romantically and even sexually. Despite what everyone wants to believe, women too are compelled by physical attractiveness in a mate. And yes, we have been known to gawk at a few handsome tenderonis too. What that particular attraction is remains subjective. However, it should not be discounted or even discouraged under the guise of getting you into a relationship, or even marriage, any quicker. I speak from experience that being with someone who looks good on paper (including being responsible, thoughtful and a great listener) but not having the faintest attraction to them does not make for happily ever after.

Also, and probably most importantly, there is no set “type” of man who embodies the traits of being communicative, responsible, thoughtful, and collaborative. Not a church guy. Not a hot boy. Not a nice guy. Not a white guy, nor a black one. Not the Alpha, the Beta or the Omega. The real deal is that those kind of traits usually come from men who genuinely like and respect you. Because there is nothing worse than being with a “Beta” who is not really feeling you, but because of his lack of assertiveness, won’t tell you that exactly. Instead, he likes to passive aggressively drop hints, like cheating on you and doing other blatantly disrespectful things. And yes, I can speak on that from experience too. Nope, nothing about that seems romantically appealing to me. But what do I know? I have no man.

Meanwhile, men are socialized to believe that any woman is accessible to them, just as long as they have confidence in themselves. We also teach men to regard those women as the ones with problems. Imagine if this is the same advice that we began to give women, instead of folks always telling us to change and settle.



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