5 Reasons You Remain In Emotional Abusive Relationships

April 28, 2014  |  


From YourTango

Do you find yourself choosing a similar wrong partner over and over? One of my clients, Laura, certainly does. She recently asked me:

“I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional family; how can I stop my pattern of choosing destructive and abusive relationships? Is it better to just remain single and grow with God and be a good mom and not gravitate toward craziness?”

Laura, there are a number of issues here that need to be addressed.

1. Your Parents

Those who have emotionally abusive relationships with their parents tend to pick partners similar to their parents and then try to win their love. The wounded part of you may believe that if you can get this abusive, unloving person to love you, then you will also be winning the love from your parents that you never received. More than wanting a loving relationship, your wounded self wants control over getting love.

The problem is that this will never work. We cannot have control over making an unloving person become loving. Growing up in your abusive family, it was hard to face that reality; to survive, you had to convince yourself that there was something you could do that would make your parents love you. The truth is, there is no action you can take to win someone’s love, and it will only hurt you to keep trying.

2. Others tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves.

Given that you come from an abusive family, it’s likely that you have learned to treat yourself the way your parents treated you and the way they treated themselves. Until you learn to love yourself rather than abandon yourself, you will continue to attract abusive relationships.

3. Staying single may not be the answer.

Most of us want to share love and we are lonely when we don’t have anyone to share it with. In addition, many of our deepest issues come forward in relationships. The challenge is finding a partner who is open to learning about themselves and about you so that the two of you can journey together through your healing process. The more you are open to learning with your feelings, the more you will be able to attract an open person with whom you can learn and grow.

The real challenge is to become the kind of person with whom you want to share love. This, more than anything, will break the cycle of attracting the wrong partner. You will see that the more you learn to be loving to yourself, rather than abandon yourself, the more you will attract loving people into your life.

Read more about emotional abuse at YourTango.com 

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