I’m Just Not Interested: Is Not Getting It On After Having A Baby Normal?
I was hesitant to write this post. As someone who considers herself a fairly sexual being, I was surprised to find that I didn’t get my mojo back after giving birth to my son almost 4 months ago. I can’t say that I was a raging sexual beast during my pregnancy – feeling big as a house with swollen feet and constant fatigue can do that to you. But I just KNEW that once the baby was born and the doctor gave me the okay after 6 weeks I would return to the hot mama I was before I got pregnant. Boy, was I wrong.
I expected certain things about our sex life to change once we had a baby. After all, we have a brand new baby to care for who needs our constant attention – so that leaves very little time for swinging from the chandeliers (or shower poles if you’ve been inspired by Mimi). I knew feedings every two hours and sleep deprivation would play a part in less sex action, but I didn’t expect these things to completely obliterate my sex drive. My libido is practically non-existent. My poor husband.
He’s been very patient with me. I try to express to him that I’m simply not in the mood, but after 4 months, I’m pretty sure he’s not trying to hear it. I mean, he knew he had to wait for sex six weeks after having our son, and I think he was willing to throw in another two since I had a C-section. But here we are, 15 weeks later, and his question to me the other day was simply, “Don’t you WANT to have sex?” My mind says yes…but I just can’t seem to get it together.
Luckily I’ve discovered that I’m not alone.
For one, parenting is exhausting. Most times I’m too tired to think about doing anything other than sleep once my baby goes down. And now that I’m back to work, I just want to relax after working all day and then spending time with and caring for a baby in the evenings. By 9pm, I’m wiped out…and my poor husband is downstairs watching Sports Center.
Now this isn’t to say that I don’t have fleeting tingles down there – I do. But having a baby has taught me how to eat on the run and take a shower in less than 3 minutes, and rushing through chores has become second nature to me. That said, the last thing I want to do is rush through foreplay, or forego it altogether, because my baby will start crying at any moment since I’m out of his sight. Sure, I could settle for a quickie, but the pressure is too great for me to perform. Rather than give my husband whack, rushed sex, I’d rather just not even go there.
What is also probably contributing to my low sex drive is the fact that I’m breastfeeding. Breastfeeding means your hormones are still in flux, and breastfeeding itself releases hormones that suppress libido. Who knew!? I sure didn’t. I’ve read that it’s the body’s natural way to make sure a woman doesn’t become pregnant again too soon so that she can properly nourish her baby. And since most women stop menstruating while breastfeeding, there’s really no way to know when you’re ovulating in order to avoid getting pregnant again too soon – unless you’re on birth control. Since I’m not currently using birth control, I could also be subconsciously avoiding sex so that I don’t get pregnant again. I love my son and the morning sickness, swollen feet and fatigue were totally worth it to get him here, but I think I’m done birthing babies.
So what should I do? My first thought is simply to ride it out and wait for my body to get back to normal – hormones and all. But without knowing when that’ll be, what is my poor man to do? I want to satisfy him and I miss our intimate connection, so waiting until I’m finished nursing or for my baby to sleep through the night might be too long to wait. After all, we’ve gone long enough and I think it’s time for me to get creative and find a solution – QUICK! Babysitter and a date night? Couples massages? While low libido after pregnancy might be normal, I shouldn’t be complacent about it. I’m open to suggestions, so if anyone can advise me on how to get my mojo back, I’m all ears!