Is It Okay To Be “Friends” With Your Exes On Social Media When You’re In A New Relationship?

January 29, 2014  |  

Before you go into a new relationship, should you break off all contact with your exes, including on social media?

Sometime last year, I found myself on my boyfriend’s computer, using it to do some work. When I opened it up and clicked on the button for a new tab, like most Macs using Safari (he’s not up on the greatness of Chrome yet), it showed me the sites that he had been to recently. I didn’t pay it much mind, until I saw that he had been on his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page.

What the hell?

That’s what I thought at that moment, but as it was the first time I had noticed anything like that, I let it go. Well a month or so later, I needed to use his computer again really quickly and when I opened up his laptop and opened a new tab, there her Facebook page was in his recently viewed sites. Again. I wasn’t feeling that s**t. We weren’t too far in our relationship so I just wanted to understand what it was he was doing or looking for on her page, so I confronted him about it. As far as I knew, he only got on Facebook a couple times a year (one reason is still to say thank you for birthday wishes) and she wasn’t his friend on the the social media site–so he looked her up.

He apologized and said that a friend of his had brought her up in conversation because said friend is still cool with the young woman. Afterwards, he decided to see what she had been up to by looking up her page on Facebook. He said he didn’t have her number anymore, he didn’t want to get in touch with her at all, he was just…”curious.” I told him I didn’t appreciate it because I had noticed that he had been on her page more than once, and knowing that it made me upset, he claimed he wouldn’t do it again. As far as I know, he hasn’t.

But is it jacked up that I’m still “friends” with my exes on social media?

I guess you could call me a hypocrite. To be honest though, I was friends with all of them on Facebook before I met my boyfriend (well, except for Instagram…I just joined that last year, so you know…). On all the social media sites I frequent, I’m friends with my two boyfriends from college (one who I was with for almost two years) and a love interest from post-college. I don’t start conversations with them or message them about anything, but sometimes they comment on my pictures to crack a joke with me…and I’ll joke back. I know, I know, I feel terrible…

Considering my feelings for my boyfriend and that I don’t feel anything for these fellas anymore, I thought it harmless to be connected to them (not physically of course) on social media. But when one of my exes decided to friend me on Instagram and went through quite a few of my pics to like them (even though he’s in a relationship, and on a side note, he likes none of the pics with my boyfriend in them), I started to feel a little weird. Considering the way I felt about my boyfriend just looking at the Facebook page of his ex-girlfriend (they were together for more than two years) I started to feel a little guilty. Every few days I see the pics of my exes in my feed and every once in a while I’ll even feel inclined to click through their pics to see what they were doing with their lives.  What jobs they’re having, if they went back to school, etc. I guess you could say I get “curious” too. I don’t want to look petty by unfriending all of them, because before they were my boyfriends and exes, they were my friends. But then again, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would obviously feel some type of way if my boyfriend was “friends” with the former ladies of his life.

So what do you think? What should I do? Are you still “friends” or connected on social media to men and women from your past? Is it harmless or is it messy?

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