On Being A Sugar Mama & How I Learned It’s Not Wrong To Have Standards

January 13, 2014  |  

Not too long ago, LisaRaye’s desire to marry a billionaire came across the MadameNoire pages, and caused many face palms, side eyes, and exasperated grunts.  In her Sister 2 Sister interview she makes the argument that she should not be considered a gold digger for having the aspirations of marrying into the upper echelon of fiscal society.  While I tried to understand her points, I couldn’t help but think about my own dating history and my own past standards.

Dating, for a woman, can be hard especially when you’re faced with so many negative perceptions of how you should meet the men you should date, and what level they should be on.  For some, you might not want to fall under any of the negative stereotypes that are portrayed about single, dating women.  This might cause you to try to avoid them at all cost.  That’s what I did.

I didn’t grow up affluent, but I did grow up with both of my parents having a bit of disposable money. As a child, the guys that I had crushes on, who would visit my house to meet my parents would always say that they felt like they weren’t good enough to date me.

I’m a very empathetic person and it made me feel awful that these guys thought that I looked down on them, or didn’t want to invite me to their homes after coming to mine.  So, I started going in the opposite direction of dating.  Instead of dating someone of my perceived social standing, I went even more below.  I didn’t want the guys I dated to feel like they were beneath anyone, so I found myself being drawn to gentlemen who couldn’t really afford to give me things (things that I wanted, things that I needed, just anything).  I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t snooty, and I wouldn’t need a man to ever take care of me… and so it began.

The fire to prove money couldn’t buy my affections would be ignited when we would take turns paying for dates.  Before I realized it, I was paying for all of them.  I was taking exes shopping and footing the bill for their post-college interviewing wardrobes.  They would be content with going to restaurants and ordering a large bill, because they were happy that they had a girlfriend that “wasn’t a gold digger,” and it was nice “to have someone take care of [them] for once, unlike [their] exes.”

I realized later that I was in full gold digger territory, but I wasn’t the one looking to get a hand out.  I was so focused on not falling under the ever bitter category of “a snob,” and “gold digger,” I had in turn became a sugar mama, which is worse!

After ending many relationships and looking over my bank statements, I was burned by extreme buyer’s remorse. I began to realize that I had gone about dating all wrong.  I was too concerned about not being a gold digger, that I was catering to men, in hindsight, who probably didn’t care about me.

I’m saying all of that to say this:  you don’t need to be a gold digger, and you don’t need to be a sugar momma.  You need to be happy.  Find a person who compliments you, who is on your level mentally, emotionally, and even ambitiously.  If someone is content on staying in their hole, and not growing, don’t let them pull you down along with them.

Though LisaRaye might have raised some eyebrows with her logic, there was one gem that came from her article:

“So if you are being blessed by having this person in your life and vice versa, then you both are going to succeed together because he’s evenly yoked with you.”

Know that wise gem.  It is worth so much more than any gold that you can be digging for.

Kendra Koger might not be “The Real McCoy,” but she is really on twitter @kkoger.

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