Dating Smart: Don’t Just Use Your Heart In The Quest For Mr. Or Mrs. Right!

October 13, 2013  |  

By now I’m sure most of you have heard about the blogger who put her “ex” on blast after he “broke up” with her via text message. Considering they’d only known each other for two week and had only been on two dates, I’d hardly say they were in a relationship to break up in the first place. Yet for some reason, she took his message very personal. She felt like this guy, after a cumulative of 20 hours spent together, had wasted her time. Again, a bit dramatic if you ask me, but there is a big difference between taking your time feeling someone out and wasting time. He just wasn’t that into her.

When I was single, if there was no connection I kept it moving. I wasn’t going to wait around to see if one develops. We were either feeling each other or we were not. And I’m not talking about a simple physical connection. That’s the easiest to detect.

What I’m talking about is a real connection – mental, emotional, spiritual. Do you both want the same things? Are you a rebound? Is he really “available?” Are you truly “single?” All of these questions should be asked directly – and often. If the answers aren’t in alignment with yours, it’s time to let go.

Now, don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean love ’em and leave ’em. Just because a man doesn’t want what you want or there is no love connection, doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. But there should be no sex, no late night booty calls, no “Let me come check you real quick” text messages, etc. Don’t pretend to not want more hoping he’ll change his mind, because you’d just be wasting both of your time. If there is no romantic future, save the “sexting” for someone who wants that.

A time waster isn’t just someone who doesn’t show up or call when they say they will. In fact, the ones I’m wary of are the ones who talk a good game when it’s time to “come lay up,” but when you talk about your feelings or what they want for the future, suddenly they’re “not sure” or are “confused.” It’s really quite simple to figure out: you either like someone and want to see where it goes or you don’t. I’m not suggesting you lay it all out on the line on the first date, but after 3-6 months you should know or at least have an idea.

The biggest time waster is the one who is only dating you to sort themselves out – either after a divorce or coming out of a long term/bad relationship. As sure as the leaves will turn colors, when they are “better,” they’re ready to move on. This could be called a rebound, and unfortunately we have all been there. The trick is to recognize when you’re the rebound so that you can keep it moving…or at least keep that person at arm’s length. If you’re using someone else, you need to be honest with yourself about it and determine if it’s fair to waste someone else’s time. It’s not cool to be selfish.

At a certain age and level of maturity, a woman should be very good at analyzing a situation and seeing it for what it really is versus what she wants it to be. It’s always best to have a sense of humor when it comes to dating, and to have fun and not take everything personal. However, it’s equally important to read the signs so that you don’t waste your time either. Dating smart is part of the key to success in the love game. If you’re not sure, then here is some advice:

– Don’t put all your eggs in one basket – date different people.
– Never put yourself out for a first or new date.
– Don’t get your expectations up – set out to have fun and that’s it.
– Take what a person says as truth – not what you want to hear.
– If they’re not truly “single,” are “in between relationships” or just broke up with an ex – be careful and keep your options open.

You will go through some frogs before your prince(ss) arrives, so have fun. If you know what you want in a relationship, make sure the person you’re spending the majority of your time with wants the same thing. If they don’t, don’t spend the majority of your time with them. If the relationship didn’t go as planned, shake it off and on to the next one. Consider it a life experience or putting in the leg work. The more you date, the more you’ll know what you want and don’t want. If the person you’ve just met isn’t walking the same path, don’t go down theirs…stick to your own.

Life is too short to be wandering around aimlessly wondering what’s going on – and time is precious. Once it’s gone, you can’t get it back, so spend it wisely and with the right person.

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