Ask A Very Smart Brotha: My Passion For The Pull Out Method

August 28, 2013  |  

I’ve always been a fan of muscle cars, and after Dodge rolled out a redesigned version of the iconic Charger in 2011—and after a very influential viewing of Fast Five—I decided to buy one.

It the two years since, I have no complaints. It took a little while to get used to the engine, but I’ve happily embraced the full doucheness of using all 400 of the horses in my engine to speed to Trader Joe’s.

Actually, I misspoke. I do have one minor complaint. I have to take it back to the dealership to get tuned up quite often. The last time occurred a little over a month ago. I think I needed new shocks or something, I don’t even remember.

What I do remember, though, is that while I was in the garage, waiting for my car, I heard something that sounded like a locomotive was revving up 20 feet away from me. I quickly turned around and saw the source of that noise: A Dodge Viper. A $120,000, 700hp Dodge Viper. Damn.

One of the guys at the garage saw me admiring it, and asked me if I wanted to test drive it. It apparently was brand new, and needed a couple tune ups before going on the dealer floor. As tempting as it was, I had to decline.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I’d start a piece about the pull-out method with three paragraphs worth of words about horsepower, engines, and a bunch of other stuff I’m sure you didn’t come to MadameNoire to read about. Stay with me, though. There is a method to my madness.

As the title suggests, I am a huge proponent of interruptus aka “the pull out method.” When done properly, it has been scientifically proven to be just as effective as condoms in preventing pregnancy. (Seriously, look it up.) All of the stuff you learned in middle school and high school sex ed about how ineffective pulling out is was false. It is, for people who wish to have unprotected sex and not have to worry about pregnancy, literally the best of both worlds. And, while birth control pills, patches, and injections can have side effects (and can be quite expensive) pulling out is easy and free!

That said, I do understand why it’s not exactly touted as the best thing to do. It doesn’t prevent STD transmission. And, well, it leaves a bit too much up to chance. All a guy has to do is pull out a half second too late and, well, it’s splash time. Also, I understand why teachers and parents tell young adults that it’s ineffective, because it’s not something you should even attempt to do unless you’re a grown up who knows exactly what they’re doing in the sack (and has taken every safety precaution)…which brings us back to the car point.

A super powerful (and super expensive) car like a Viper is not supposed to be driven by an inexperienced driver. You need to have years of experience driving a stick and dealing with powerful cars before you even think about getting behind the wheel of something like that. And, while I do have experience with cars with big engines, I declined driving it because I’m not that comfortable driving a stick, and knew better than to take something like that on the road while relatively inexperienced.

So, would I recommend it to anyone? Definitely! It’s a great freaking car. One of the best you can possibly buy. You’d be hard pressed to beat that driving experience.But…only if you know exactly what you are doing.

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