Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Is 2 Months Too Early To Say I Love You?

August 7, 2013  |  
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Shahdae: Where do you go to meet single men?!

DY: Outside, online, offline, Earth, After Earth, Church, and Detroit

 

Myisha: I was talking to this guy who lives in another state. Everything was going really good until he decided to quit his job due to several different factors. After he quit things were still good up until recently when he begin to pull away from me because he says he focusing on himself. I know he hasn’t found another job yet and he’s kinda stressing about it but why completely pull away from me. Especially when I was offering to help him.

DY: Many men (most, even) don’t feel comfortable starting something serious with someone if their work/financial situation is shaky. Sure, if you’re already in a committed relationship with a woman and something like that happens, you might lean on her for a little bit. But, most guys—at least, most guys worth being with—prefer going to start a relationship on those terms. And, considering that you’re just “talking” and he lives in another state, him making the decision to de-emphasize the relationship makes sense.

Currasia: Being together for two months, is it to early to say “I love you”?

DY: It’s only too soon if you don’t mean it or felt pressured into saying it.

 

Faren: I can’t seem to find a guy that I remain interested in. It’s like if I don’t like them within a few weeks I don’t care to even continue speaking to them. I suppose my question is how long should you actually allow to see if you’ll like someone before you decide there’s no chemistry?

DY: I wouldn’t advise that anyone continue dating a person that they’ve lost interest in. Not just for their sake, but time spent with you could be time they’re spending to date someone who’s more interested in them.
If this is a pattern for you, though, it would be helpful to know why? Why do you think this continues to happen?

Faren: I think because I’m 26 & dead set that the next man Im in a relationship with should be the man I marry if he has just one thing that I don’t want to be an attribute of “my husband” I just become uninterested & look elsewhere. Is that crazy? Am I putting too much pressure on dating which should be fun and not an interview process?

DY: You know, I actually think that marriage-minded people should only date people they’d consider marrying. With that in mind, I don’t think you’re doing a bad thing. I do have to ask, though. What type of things have come up to make you lose interest?

Faren: If they have a bad relationship with the mother of their child (I don’t have kids so being a step mom is hard enough dont need drama on top of that), if they lack ambition and what their doing now is what they want to continue doing (I graduate next Dec. and plan on grad school) and if they don’t take good physical care of their body. (That’s petty I know.)

DY: I don’t consider any of that to be petty. I do wonder, though, why you even dated these men in the first place? All of those are some pretty obvious red flags.

Faren: I found them physically attractive then found out these things after. Smh

DY: Well, dating is basically a drawn out weeding out process. So, what you’re doing now isn’t really

Lakisha: Why do men cheat, ask for forgiveness, cheat again, (infinite cycle with same females) but when you try to leave they beg and beg and cry and stalk and do everything to make you stay. ….. and then cheat again. Why won’t they let you go?! And better yet, why can’t they resist sleeping with these other females and that is really all they do, no convo, no dates, no time spent, just smash and go.

DY: There’s no such thing as a man refusing to “let you go.” I mean, unless he physically restrains you, you’re the one deciding to stay with a man who has proven he’s not interested in monogamy. And, if you keep coming back—basically saying it’s ok to sleep with you and all those other women—what incentive does he have to stop?

Sandy: I have a boyfriend that blocks me on his Facebook so I ask to be unblock and he said he said no and got upset because he won’t add me back and he hung up the phone on me so I don’t call him and he doesn’t call me. What should I do?

DY: Find a new boyfriend.

Roslyn: In conversation with a gentleman friend of mine, he says, a man should always marry his first choice. It confused me at first, but he broke it down saying, if you are a Mercedes man, don’t go buy a BMW only because its cheaper . You go with your first choice, if not you’ll always be looking. Any truth to this? Since men usually categorize women as wifey material or not, I’m wondering what’s the percentage of marriages that was based on first choice or best/convenient choice, and is there a difference?

DY: Is this man a barber? Asking because this is the type of “barbershop logic” that sounds good until you get out of the chair, leave the shop, and think “WTF was he talking about?” As far as marriage goes, you marry who you’re excited about, compatible with, and committed to. Doesn’t matter which “choice” they were.

 

Jonelle: Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago…he’s tried to come back but as much as I want him back there’s something holding me back..I don’t know if it’s the single life that I love or if I’m just afraid to go back or if I should just let it be over.

DY: Let him go. You broke up for a reason, and you don’t even really seem to want to get back together.

Keisha: I’m in a relationship with a guy very much younger than me and I’m finding it hard to trust him and its because of his age and my past relationships and lately its causing us a lot of arguments… how do we get past this? How can I open up to him completely and make this work?

DY: Just like that. It’s easier said than done, but in order for you to be able to move forward, you need to find in within yourself to open up and be honest about your fears and insecurities.

 

Tesha: Hey D…me and my kid’s father been together for 6 yrs…but last year we separated and I started dating his best friend/first cousin. Me and the cousin had great chemistry but to avoid conflict, I went back to my kid’s father…I cant seem to get the cousin off my mind. Am I wrong to date the cousin?

DY: Yes, unless you’re in West Virginia. Seriously though, this all seems too messy to process. I think perhaps you need to spend some time alone for a while. And find Jesus.

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