How I Learned To Balance “Me” Time And “We” Time In My Relationships

August 5, 2013  |  


From YourTango 

You find yourself in a relationship. You’re in love. It’s one of the best relationships you’ve had, but you know you’re about to do something very risky. You have to tell your lover you need to balance “me” when you’re becoming part of “we.”

Becoming part of “we” and falling in love is a beautiful thing.  I love to hear things like “We are going to do this this week.” Or, “We need to go see that movie.” Or “We need to go on this vacation.” The problem is a lot of people get so lost in “we” that they don’t balance “me.”

I’ve lived with a lot of the women and I’ve always been able to keep my independence. I’m going to tell you exactly how David Wygant keeps his independence in every relationship.

I make sure I attract a woman that’s like me; independent and self-sufficient. That way I know she has hobbies and interests outside of the relationship.

It’s something that I make sure of when I’m first dating somebody.  I get to know them a little bit. Find out what they like to do after work, and what they do for fun. Do they go to the gym three four days a week?

Do they take an art class?

Do they have a weekly girls’ brunch?

I want somebody who’s very independent and it’s something that I learned a long time ago.  I remember when I was in my first serious relationship about 25 years ago. I moved in with a woman.

We were two peas in a pod, never separated. I said yes, she said yes. We were inseparable, and after a while I realized it was starting to drive me crazy.  I needed that downtime.  Sure I was going to the gym for an hour a day, but I needed that one afternoon a week to myself.

I decided to say something to her, and I looked at her straight in the eyes and I said I love “us,” I love “we,” and I love how you make me feel, but I need some me time for “me.”

“All I need is a few hours a week just to go and do something on my own, whether it’s take a walk, a drive, or to go to the park with the dog.  I need it in order to recharge, and that way I can come back refreshed.”

She looked at me and said she understood. It was then I realized how hard that conversation must be for people to have. A lot of people will take it personally, especially when you’re negotiating the “we-ness” and it all feels so great and brand new.

But I told her one thing at the end of our conversation that resonated with her.

I said “I need this time in order to come back stronger, faster, and with more loving for you.”

Just her understanding made me appreciate the relationship more than anything. In all relationships, all I need is a couple hours a week to unwind on my own. I like to watch my team unfold.  I like to watch sports on a Sunday.

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