Stella Needs Her Groove Back: My Man Left Me And Now I Have No Sexual Confidence

July 30, 2013  |  



From Essence 

Dear Abiola,

I need help finding my sexual confidence.

I lost 90 pounds by cutting out fast food and drinking. I also walk for exercise. I was big my whole life but my doctor told me that at 33 I was already showing signs of heart disease.

My boyfriend at the time, met me when I was big and he left me when I lost weight. This has really impacted my sexual confidence. All the men I have ever dated were into “Big Beautiful Women.” Now that I am not a BBW anymore, it’s like I don’t know who I am in terms of relationships. My sister used to say that my man had a for big girls or was a “chubby chaser,” but I didn’t see it that way. Even though I was insecure, I just felt it was his preference. Between the sheets my ex used to make me feel special. As the pounds came off, and I started turning heads, he was less into me. He started telling me that I looked funny. He made me feel awkward about the hanging skin that I have from the weight loss and eventually he broke up with me. He said I was no longer attractive to him.

Learning to love my new body is like learning to love myself for the first time. I’m not used to all of the positive attention. I feel like it’s not really my body. I eat a cookie and look in the mirror expecting to see a fat woman again.

I have a new man but I don’t feel Hot when we’re together. How can I feel Hot again?


Small Beautiful Woman

Read Abiola’s response at 

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