Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Won’t He Ask Me To Be His Girlfriend?

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Erica: Is it possible for a man to really like a woman and still not be ready for a relationship with anybody? Caught your “Be His Beyonce” post. But really, a woman doesn’t decide if she’s his Beyonce.

D.Y.: Yes, it is possible. It’s also possible to eat cereal with tomato sauce instead of milk. Just because something is possible doesn’t mean it you should count on it actually happening.

Lemme put it this way: One of the reasons why men who may not be “ready” change course when meeting a “game changing” woman is that he doesn’t want to take the chance of losing her to anyone else. You do what’s necessary to lock her down because you want her and because you don’t want her to move on. If a guy tells a woman that he’s not ready for a relationship, he may still actually like her, but he doesn’t like her enough to keep from potentially losing her.

Sheila: Why do I always get men are afraid to talk to me. Their reason, my job (was a cop), they think I’m high maintenance because I take pride in my appearance. One even said I was too classy and confident. Ok, please explain. Thank you kindly!

D.Y.: If these men are afraid to talk to you, how did you find out exactly why they’re afraid to talk to you? I mean, they obviously did eventually talk to you, so they can’t really be all that scared, right?

Seriously though, who gives a damn? I mean, if someone literally allowed “I can’t talk to you because you’re too classy and confident” to slip out of their lips, why do you even care what a person like that thinks of you? You’ll save yourself a lot of time by not caring about what idiots and assholes think.

Tamara: How long do you date someone before you know/ they know they are in love? I know there’s no specific time frame but after some point should you know? Dating my boyfriend for almost 10 months now and “I love you” or being in love with you has never come up…

D.Y.: There’s no arbitrary time frame for falling in love. For some people, it’s happened as quickly as the first date. For others, it may take a few more months. I will say this, though. After about a year or so, if you haven’t fallen in love yet, the chances of it happening decrease as time passes

Jazzmyn: A guy I was dating kinda pretended like he wanted more from the relationship than he did…I can’t fight the urge to get some revenge (not busting windows butttt) …what should I do?

D.Y.: Keep fighting that urge. Trust me, it’ll eventually pass. Also, keep this in mind. While it’s messed up that you were done wrong, while you might want to retaliate, it’s just going to make you look bad and feel worse.

Shantice: I’m trying to get my fiancé interested in our wedding plans but he’s so far removed from it. He keeps telling me not to sweat it. Why do men do act like everything will work out and ignore us when we try to plan things out?

D.Y.: If he’s seriously not interested at all in your wedding plans, that’s a huge red flag. But, I get the feeling you’re exaggerating some. And, taking away the wedding stuff, this sounds like a very typical argument men and women have with each other. I think you need to do two things. 1. Stress how important his involvement in this is to you. 2. Relax. I’m sure your wedding is going to be great.

Kiara: Like I’m dating a guy with 3 kids by 2 different women…is that something to steer clear of or should I just not even go down that road? It’s still early but I was just wondering if you have any advice on the subject in general.

D.Y.: A lot of questions today about dating men with multiple kids by multiple women. Did Shawty Lo get a new show or something? Anyway, personally, I’d steer clear of that, but that’s doesn’t mean it’s the “right” thing to do. As far as advice goes, I’d pay close attention to his relationships with his kids and their mothers. If those relationships seem to be positive, I’d continue dating him. If not—or if he bad mouths any of them in your presence—I’d run away.

Shana: How can one express/ be more open sexually when they are sexually shy? I want to be more sexually aggressive not completely reserved with my spouse.

D.Y.: You first have to find one why exactly you’re “sexually shy” and work from there. Is it a physical issue? A mental issue? A religious issue? Find the root cause and then you’ll be able to find some real solutions.

Katt: Damon im 26 and recently relocated for my boyfriend. The city I now live in is extremely different than what I am use to. No where to get my hair done, no friends to go out to happy hour with, not even a hip hop radio station. But I have made this sacrifice to be with him (we dated a year in the same city then long distance for a year). I am ready for marriage and he says he is as well but still no ring. I have dropped enough subtle hints. How do I explain to him how I feel about marriage?

D.Y: I’m sure he’s aware of you wanting to get married. I’m also sure he’s aware of all the changes you made to be with him. With that being said, I wouldn’t do the “subtle hint” thing anymore. Sit him down, and have a serious talk with him about the future of the relationship.

Monica: Hi Damon, I am jumping back into dating, and I’m giving online a try. What advice can you give me about online dating?

D.Y.: I’d tell you the same things I’d tell you about offline dating. There are a ton of people out there. Some good, some bad. You just have to find a way to sift through the frogs to find your prince.

Joy Joy: He never asked me to be his girlfriend but he tells me and other people that he is my boyfriend, but I want him to actually ask me and he won’t, what should I do about this?

D.Y: Stop dating 13 year olds.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

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