Ask A Very Smart Brotha: I’m Concerned About The Other Woman

May 29, 2013  |  

I have been married for 12 years. About two years ago I found out that my husband had an affair. Since then we have decided to work on our relationship and repair our marriage. However, what still concerns me regarding my husband is the emotional connection he had with this other female. She and I had an extended conversation were she admitted her love and desire for my husband. To be honest I feel bad for her. Yes she had an affair with a married man but a broken heart is abroken heart. What I want my husband to realize is the negative impact that he made not only in our lives, but in this other women’s also. Am I asking or expecting to much?


Mistress on My Mind

Dear Mistress on My Mind,

Wow. Your husband needs to thank God every night for allowing him to marry such a caring, compassionate, and forgiving woman. I know there are people who’d consider a woman taking back a cheating man to be weak or a pushover, but if you trust that it was a one-time thing, the type of strength it takes to move on from that and legitimately forgive is rare.

With that being said, I do wonder why you feel the need to have your husband “realize the negative effect” of breaking the heart of the woman who almost ended your marriage. If you’ve made the mutual decision to repair your relationship, I’m sure this decision has come with the realization that he effed up and needs to make amends. And, while your concern for your husband’s mistress is commendable, I wonder if your concern is about her or if you just want your husband to feel worse about what he did. If it’s the latter, you haven’t actually forgave him yet, and maybe the relationship repairs aren’t going as well as you think they are. 

You’ve been put in an unenviable position by actions made by your husband and your mistress—actions that were completely out of your control. Now, by attempting to forgive and focus on your marriage, you’ve asserted control. Keep that control by keeping the focus on your marriage—the relationship between you and your husband—and not your husband’s mistress. As I stated earlier, it’s commendable that you’re even able to harbor any type of positive thoughts or feelings about her. But, learn from your husband’s mistake. He almost ended your marriage by bringing another person in the picture. Don’t ruin the reconciliation by bringing her back. 


Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at

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