Things Men Do When You’re Not Watching

June 4, 2013  |  
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Simply because we share more, women are victims for teasing. Men pretty much know everything we do behind closed doors, because we tell them about it, or blog about it, or Tweet about it. But we have our ways of figuring out what the oh-so-stoic man does when nobody is looking. Time to tease him in return!


Gawk at other women with his friends

It doesn’t mean he’s a jerk, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect you, and it doesn’t mean he’s unfaithful, but you can bet your perfectly sweet and well-mannered guy gets into long, drawn-out, elaborate rants about all the things he would do to some fine woman on TV that pops up in a commercial during a game. He doesn’t really mean it though—he’s just showing his friends he still “has his balls.”

Pleasure himself

Many women are surprised to find that men still do this just as frequently—if not more frequently—even when they’re getting consistent sex in a relationship. But if you haven’t noticed yourself, the more you get it, the more you want it. Don’t think he’s unsatisfied with your sex life just because you notice his Adult Videos left out.


Some men will admit to doing some “light trimming” or “sprucing things up” but manscaping is actually a time-intensive project that requires multiple tools and often odd angles of the legs up on the bathroom sink. Yeah—that happens.

Eat in the bathroom

Unsanitary! But true! Many men admit to bringing food into the bathroom. Sometimes even while they’re on the toilet…

Put away things that bug you

Even though when you ask him to tidy up in front of you he stubbornly resists and tells you it’s his house and you’re “not my mom,” before you come over, he frantically puts clothes away and cleans dishes.

Talk to his mom about you

She’s the only person he feels comfortable getting sappy in front of. He tells his male friends that you’re “really cool” and he can see things going somewhere. But he tells his mom the sweet, detailed stories of particular cute things you do and say.


Wear his beloved but grungy/nerdy clothing

His old camp sweatshirt covered in mustard stains with sleeves way too short and holes all over, or his Teenage Ninja Turtles t-shirt—he likes to cozy up in these when nobody is looking.

Look at your Facebook

Men just don’t tell us like we tell them, but they’re perusing our feed. They’re checking out all our photos, just as we do to them, reading our statuses and noticing our check-in’s. They just won’t admit it.

Look for a Facebook profile photo

Sure, men try to make a point of saying, “I don’t care about Facebook,” but they think about it. You won’t believe the amount of time they spend looking for a headshot that makes them look handsomely manly but not like they tried too hard.

Eat extreme/disgusting combinations of food

Peanut butter and turkey sandwiches, sour cream right out of the container, chocolate bars as spoons—men have plenty of totally unreasonable, un-nutritious, diabetes-inducing “meals” they love to make when nobody’s around.


Somebody has to! But think about it: do you ever see your guy Swiffering? You have no qualms with dusting while you chat with him, but he would never do the same in front of you. Most men think it’s emasculating to have somebody see them clean! But they handle dustpans, Windex, paper towels and all of that too.


Have “girl talk”

Men may tease us for getting together with the girls to gab, but they don’t sit silently in front of the TV when they hang out, as they’d like you to think. They usually talk over the entire football game, gossiping about their buddies and their relationships too!


Watch Friends

It’s the American man’s dirty secret: he loves Friends! Men have a special place in their heart for this show. While it’s predominantly written for women, Chandler, Ross and Joey all have traits and behaviors real men relate to.

Shop online

He teases you for trying on eight pairs of pants before deciding what to wear, but he has his own version of this behavior. Men will contemplate a pair of pants on their favorite online site for days. “The dark jeans or the light jeans? The deep-v or the regular v?” They’ll bookmark these pages as these decisions drive them mad.

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