How Long Is Too Long To Carry On An On-Again/Off-Again Relationship?

May 14, 2013  |  

From YourTango

Unworkable love looks normal but feels exhausting.  Unworkable love keeps you repeating the same problems and trying the same solutions over and over again.  Every time you end it, you mean it, but you find yourself unable to stop thinking about him and then you fall for him all over again and return, despite your awareness and what you promised yourself.  This pattern isn’t easily broken, even after you call it off.

It is very difficult to get out of the break up / make up cycle with destructive or toxic men.  The breakups tend to be unending because resistance to the established pattern of on-again/off-again will be seen as a challenge to get you back.  It’s part of his fun.  When you see the on-again / off-again cycle, and feel pressure to return based on new good behavior, or because he suddenly “gets it” only after you leave, know that you have most likely been in an unworkable, potentially destructive relationship and prepare yourself for breakup drama.

To break the cycle you need extreme self awareness, self honesty in spite of your dreams and wants, and you have to put a timeframe on the back and forth, and stick to it.  Once you become aware that the relationship pattern was warped, you will most likely see that the relationship has always been unworkable, and that’s rough because you’ll feel like you wasted your time.

Give yourself a break because it takes time to see that someone is unable to change or unable sustain change.  You may have focused on his qualities and overlooked or excused his flaws~and that is a great relationship quality providing you are in a solid relationship with a man who can meet you half way, and seeks improvements himself.  If you are not, them focusing on a man’s strengths at your own expense is nothing more than a strategy for self sabotage.  It is critical to know the distinction between a workable and an unworkable relationship, or you may repeatedly find yourself in on-again/off-again relationships that absorb your time and energy.


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