You’re Not Alone, Weirdo: Random And Awkward Things Everybody Does But Never Talk About

March 28, 2013  |  
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Have you ever done something awkward, laughed at yourself and then wondered if you were the only person in the world who behaved in such a way? You’re not. While some people like to pretend like they have all of their stuff together, we all do some very random and/or funny stuff from time to time. Make that every day. I was highly inspired by the awesome Tumblr page, ThingsWeAllDo and added a few of my own quirks. So if these things sound like something you’ve done before, pat yourself on the back. You’re not alone.

Smile and nod your head when you know damn well you don’t know what’s going on

Blame it on my bad ears, but I know I’m not the only person who misses out on the conversation or question asked, doesn’t feel like saying, “What?” over and over, and just end up giving up. Literally. You smile like an idiot, maybe let out a quick giggle if the other party looks like they’re laughing, nod your head when you think they’re asking a rhetorical question and pray to God they weren’t asking you for your opinion. You could try and listen to understand what’s going on, but once you’ve asked someone to repeat themselves once and you still can’t hear them? Well, ain’t nobody got time for that! Play crazy…

Get low-key freaked out at the idea of someone being in your bathroom

Look…I’ve seen enough movies like It, Arachnophobia, Psycho AND Candyman to know that good things don’t happen in the damn bathroom. As my coworker would say, sometimes she opens her medicine cabinet and wonders what might be behind her when she finally closes that bad boy and looks in the mirror. As for myself, I’m always trying to peak around my shower curtain to make sure some axe murderer won’t be standing in front of me. And if I close my eyes for too long while I’m basking in the warmth of a hot shower, I’m kind of worried to open them back up and see what is standing in front of me. It’s always nobody, but hey, you can never be too sure.

When sharing candy, you share the flavors you don’t really like

Whether it’s Starburst, Skittles, Now & Later–whatever, you know when you get around black folks, they expect you to share. But don’t front, you wouldn’t dare part with your beloved cherry or strawberry options, so you pass out a few oranges, a bunch of lemons and maybe one or two coveted cherry joints. If you pour out some from a bag, your heart drops when a bunch of your favorites fall into a friend’s hand. Too late for take backs! The struggle. Oh so real.

Doing the most to keep from riding the elevator with your co-workers

Not to say you don’t love your co-workers (you might not though), but after a long day, are you really trying to get on the elevator, have unnecessary small talk and then accidentally find yourself walking in the same direction on the way home? MORE small talk!? That’s why I bet when you notice other people gathering their bags when you’re grabbing yours, you sit back and wait. Or you rush out as fast as you can if they’re taking too long. I’ve seen a coworker lie about what direction they have to walk in, only to see them lagging behind me minutes later so we wouldn’t have to walk together. I couldn’t even be mad at him…

Untagged horrible, HORRIBLE photos of yourself on Facebook

In an effort to clear out their cameras, some people put every damn photo from it on social media without actually looking and realizing that it’s a hot a** mess. Other people are trying to be slick to embarrass you, so they put a photo of you up that they know has you looking like a toothless cat. So who hasn’t, to protect their flawless image, waited a little bit, and then untagged photos of themselves that were less than flattering?

Eat lactose-based products when you’re lactose intolerant

Blame it on the fact that ice cream looks so damn good on the front of the carton. As a lactose intolerant person, I know the horrible, very horrible things that could come from me indulging in ice cream, frozen yogurt or any real form of dairy. I have an intense form of lactose intolerance too, the kind that has my stomach turning from straight up milk chocolate in candy bars. Yet and still, I’m that weirdo scarfing down chocolate ice cream and Pinkberry yogurt, IN PUBLIC, when I know less than an hour later I’m going to be somewhere writhing in pain or in somebody’s bathroom tearing that joint up (sorry if that was a TMI moment). We lactose intolerant folks never learn our lesson, but it’s hard when everyone is indulging in ice cream cake and s**t in front of your face. You can only be tempted for so long…

Put your iPod or iPhone on shuffle but skip every song until you pick the one you want

Look at you, you thought you were stepping out on the wild side! Thought you would let your mp3 player have control and steer you through some jams, but somehow, every song they pick after you push shuffle (or shake your device) is not at ALL what you’re trying to hear at that moment. You wanted something fast, it plays Aaron Hall’s “I Miss You.” You want to cool out after a long day and it goes crunk for DMX’s “Party Up.” Don’t even get me started about when you’re trying to focus at the gym. Really iPod? Sade???

Trying to get that extra few minutes of sleep in only to accidentally sleep for another 30

The definition of an absolute fail, I do this every morning. You wake up feeling a little groggy, not ready to get on the move to work, therefore, you decide to sleep in for just a few more minutes. Of course, you’re winging it because it’s not like you reset your alarm, you just hope you wake up in five minutes. Psych! It has been 30! Now you have to take a “h*e bath” (get the important spots), and deal with the fact that you’re about to look a damn mess since you didn’t get to do your hair, iron your clothes or put on a little bit of makeup. It happens.

When alone, you look at your phone like someone is texting you

At a mixer? At a gathering with people you don’t know? When you have no one to talk to and you’re not immediately feeling like a social butterfly, you stare down at your phone and find something to look up so that you can seem important. In reality, you’re just checking old emails, looking at gossip sites, trying to play Words With Friends on the low, and hope someone won’t realize you’re as bored and lonely as they might be.

Become an occasional hypochondriac

Something hurting all of a sudden? Feel something you never felt before? Have a bad headache? Time to FREAK OUT! Chances are, you’re fine, but who hasn’t let Google and the Mayo Clinic scare the hell out of them? You start searching the symptoms and before you know it you’re feeling all sorts of paranoid. Next day, when you feel better, you forget about all the things you assumed you were about to fall out from, but next time? Back to Google…

When you go to the gym and look in a large mirror as you walk past, you have to look at your butt

All that working out has done good! That’s probably what you’re thinking when you’re wearing your extra tight yoga pants or athletic tights and walk past the huge mirror that sits in your gym. That’s what those pants are for! Plus, it’s just always nice to check and make sure you don’t have something on your butt, like an extra large sweat stain or a hole out of nowhere. But for the most part, you know you’re just being vain. And that’s okay!

Try to pick up things or do things with your toes during a lazy moment

Hands full and you dropped something? You could put everything down to pick it up. OR, you could do like many and try your hardest to pick it up and place it where it needs to be with your feet. I often find myself picking up trash (usually just paper or paper towels though) or trying to change the channel with my toes, but the latter is a bit more complex. If we weren’t meant to use our toes like fingers occasionally, they shouldn’t have been made to look so freakishly similar.

Eat bad foods after working out

Dang. Just when you got back from working on your fitness for an hour, working up a sweat and feeling proud, that bag of Cheetos starts calling. And you respond. One cookie after a meal turns into three, and a small scoop of ice cream ends up being a majority of the bowl. After all that work to burn off major calories, you’ve just consumed them once again, if not a whole lot more.

When you try on clothes in the dressing room, you do a little dance

“A** so big, I told her to look back at it/Look back it, look back it!” That’s often what plays in my head when I try on a new dress at the store (2 Chainz’s “I’m Different” by the way) and think it looks so good on, it’s worthy of a jig. And besides, really tight dresses have to be tested to ensure that they can handle your curves in case you want to drop it low while out with friends, so what better way to ensure it will work than to pop that “thang” just a little bit?

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