Harold ‘Suave’ Church is an executive at Con Edison, a working actor and a martial art instructor specializing in Sho-To-kan karate, Jiujitsu, and Aikido. As a second degree black belt, he trains young people, coaches practitioners, and has more than 20 years in the arts. He is still in search of the woman that would make him give up his single status.

The Search For Mrs. Right

The dating scene is like a scavenger hunt for me. The search for Mrs. Right has been harder than I thought it would be.  I meet a lot of women but they haven’t quite hit the mark on what I want.  I know she’s out there, but the process, is just that, a process. I will say this though, I am totally learning what I don’t want. And I am learning to stand my ground until I find it. The numbers being what they are, I know I have options. So, before I commit. I need to feel like it’s worth it.

Another thing I’m learning is that I have to clearly communicate what I want because a lot of times something gets lost in translation. I tell women I date all the time, if you want to understand me, you have to first relinquish the primitive idea that all men want is that immediate gratification (aka “the booty”). What they hear is, I am afraid of commitment. Huh?

I don’t fear commitment. What I am afraid of is losing the magic that most couples establish before commitment. I am concerned that we may start to take things for granted.  Things like, the freedom to frolic into the night without fear of persecution or interrogation.  Things like the loss of self. Compromising my own feelings in order to maintain peace at the home. Things like friendship with other women from my past. Even more than those things, I think that my biggest hump to get over is the fear of failing at love. Putting in all that time and energy in hope that things will flourish and it turn out to be “a lemon.”

Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe my past experiences have skewed my perception of commitment. Or maybe it’s just the women I have met. I can tell you some stories! (lol) They have tried to make me bend over backwards to  join their circle of trust. Along the way, I started to think about the  investment of my time and my emotions, and I didn’t  feel like those relationships were providing me with the depth and security that I am looking for. To me, the overall responsibility and sustainability of a relationship is a joint effort. I have often felt in my dealing with women that there is a sense of entitlement. Their philosophy was that the relationship resided on the man’s shoulders.

If I could write a job description for the position of love life partner. I would ask for a woman that is a homie, lover, and a friend. Someone who can state her intentions and listen to mine to see where we are aligned. A lady that can appreciate me and all that I come with; who knows what she wants out of a relationship and what she can put in.  She’s patient  because she is able to accept that no one’s perfect, including her. She is able to balance humility and independence. Lastly, she’s a great communicator who shares her boundaries with me and respects the one I have.  I am not sure how all that sounds to you, but it’s what I am looking for. Any takers?

–Harold

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