‘If A Woman Tells You She’s 20 And Looks 16, She’s 12:’ Chris Rock’s Most Hilarious Quotes

February 7, 2013  |  
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Happy birthday to Chris Rock who turns 48 today. In honor of one of the funniest, most thought-provoking comedians of our generation, we take a look back at some of Rock’s most memorable and hilarious quotes.

In 2005, Rock snagged the job as host of the Academy Awards ceremony. During the opening monologue and throughout the show, Rock poked fun at many of the famous movie stars that were in attendance and Nicole Kidman wasn’t safe from Rock’s wrath:

“The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they’re not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, ‘If you’d done that in the movie, you’d have won an Oscar, girl.’”

Rock has an uncanny ability to point out the ills of society in a humorous way, which he did during 2008’s “Kill The Messenger” comedy event when he said:

“In my neighborhood, there are four Black people. Hundreds of houses, four Black people. Who are these Black people? Well, there’s me, Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z and Eddie Murphy. Only Black people in the whole neighborhood. So let’s break it down, let’s break it down: me, I’m a decent comedian. I’m alright. Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the White man who lives next door to me does for a living? He’s a dentist! He ain’t the best dentist in the world. He ain’t going to the Dental Hall of Fame. He’s just a yank-your-tooth-out dentist. See, the Black man’s gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to!”

No one sums up the state of the world quite like Rock. He once said:

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a Black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘D1ck’, and ‘Colin.’ Need I say more?”

Apparently there are some men out there who have a hard time figuring out a woman’s age by her appearance alone, so the “I Think I Love My Wife” star gave a great piece of advice to those who could make a mistake and end up facing jail time in his “No Sex in the Champagne Room” track:

“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near 40.”

Growing up in the rough streets of Bed-Stuy, Rock saw nothing wrong with his harsh reality until he was exposed to other ways of living:

“I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads. I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to (Los Angeles), stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.”

Many people still feel the police do not care about solving crimes in the Black community, including Rock who made a poignant, yet funny observation about the very real problem:

“If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! “This is a rap killing. Let’s go home!”

Curious about Rock’s opinion on political labels:?

“Everybody’s so busy wanting to be down with the gang. “I’m conservative”, “I’m liberal”, “I’m conservative”. Be a person! Listen, let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I’ve got some [things] I’m conservative about, I’ve got some [things] I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal!”

No one is funnier than Rock when it comes to relationships:

“Relationships are hard, man. In order for any relationship to work both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what’s that focus? That focus is all about HER! It’s all about her!”

Before his current show on HBO, political comedian Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” on ABC. During a 1997 roundtable discussion about how to best eradicate world hunger, a portlier Rev. Al Sharpton started to give his opinion on ending the epidemic when Chris Rock interjected saying, “You want to help end world hunger? Pass up the chicken! Pass up the chicken!”

Too many people become the victims of gun violence due to being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Rock’s plan on gun control could actually lower this statistic:

“You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars per bullet. You know why? Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders. And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don’t gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take their bullet back! ‘I believe you have my property!'”

Far too many people play the ‘race card’ when they feel as if they’ve been discriminated against so the father of two had to put race relations into perspective:

Black people yelling “racism!” White people yelling “reverse racism!” Chinese people yelling “sideways racism!” And the Indians ain’t yelling [anything] because they dead. So everybody’s [complaining] about how bad their people got it. Nobody has it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm down.

Rock played a myth buster in 2004’s “Never Scared” and said:

“You know the str*pper myth? There’s a str*pper myth, that’s being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I’m strippin’ to pay my tuition. No you’re not! There are no str*ppers in college! There are no clear heels in biology! I didn’t know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many str*ppers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, ‘If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!’ “

Chris Rock is not a fan of David Blaine and the other ‘illusionists’ like him who’ve ventured away from typical magic tricks if you didn’t know:

“Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a trickless magician? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? “I’m in a box and I ain’t gonna eat. I’m in a box…and I ain’t gonna eat!!” That ain’t no trick! That’s called living in the projects!”

Rock is not a fan of the old adage “Live like each day is your last.” In fact, the “SNL” alum believes in the exact opposite:

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. BullShyte. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”

Chris Rock’s views on gay marriage:

“People always say that we can’t have gay marriage because marriage is a sacred institution that happens in the church. It’s sacred… no, it’s not! Marriage ain’t sacred! Not in America! Not in the country that watches “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?” or “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” or “Who Wants to Marry a Midget?” Get outta here! Gay people have a right to be miserable as everybody else! Michael Jackson got married, how sacred is that?”

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