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One of the most asked questions in dating, behind why didn’t he call me, is perhaps, why didn’t he ask me out on a second date? If you subscribe to the “he’s just not that into you” school of thought then you basically already have your answer, but have you ever wondered why he wasn’t that into you? It might have something to do with any combination of these first date behaviors.

Continuing to talk about an ex

Everybody’s on the rebound from somebody, but don’t have me thinking you’re still rattling around the rim and you might go in. Men always like to feel like they’re conquering new territory so if they see another country’s flag still planted in the soil, chances are, they’re gonna look elsewhere. A shrewd man will know that you’ve probably dated before. A shrewd woman will keep him from knowing too much more.

A bad sense of humor

In all those relationships surveys, women claim that the No.1 thing they want in a man is a sense of humor so don’t get mad at us because we keep telling jokes. They only thing drier than watching a joke fall flat is having to explain one. Still, I’m not suggesting that if there’s a guy you otherwise like, you should fake laughter any more than I’d suggest that you should ever fake the big O… read into that what you will.

Bringing the “ghetto” as the main side

There’s nothing sexier than versatility in a a woman and it’s always easier for a smart person to pretend to be dumb than it is for a dumb person to pretend to be smart. Therefore, it’s cute when you can get to finger poppin’ and head swivelin’ as a joke, but when that’s your natural, go-to expression of excitement or complaint, what are you gonna do for an encore? Beat your kids in public?

Introducing me to your friends right away

Usually all that’s agreed upon for a first date is dinner. Afterwards, I’m thinking sex, of course, but you’re thinking more tests. If one of those tests happens to be something corny though, I’m out. Movies, ice skating, shooting pool or playing one-on-one basketball are all old standards that still work like a charm. However, taking me before a coven of your close intimate friends for a Black female variation of the Nuremburg trials isn’t gonna get you a callback.

Starting to talk about a “waiting period”

Two gross myths are a) men won’t respect you if you give it up on the first date, b) men will respect you if you make them wait for it. Now, with any reasonable man it’s understood that the woman controls both the entrance and the clock and as long as that understanding remains unspoken, let the games begin! You start off by talking about a waiting period however and you can expect a man to follow up by saying “well, holla at me then.”

Bringing up marriage/kids

Most men want to get married— they just don’t wanna talk about it. A man thinking about marriage is like a pitcher in the middle of a no-hitter. All his teammates stay far away from him and nobody says anything. A woman on a first date with a man she sees such potential in should take a similar approach. You start flapping your gums and you’re liable to blow his concentration.

Getting too familiar too soon

Stay off my plate. This is our first date. I’m not eating after you and I may not even kiss you. And no, you can’t call me that, whatever that is. Why would I even respond to that? How did you even come up with that? Pet names, liberties, and bodily functions should all be off-limits on the very first date. Farting, burpring, nicknaming me then ripping my phone out of my hand and scrolling through the pictures are all not cool.

Constantly updating social media

This can only get worse. A status update on the restaurant, a picture of the food we ordered, a tweet that quotes the joke I just told you, an Instagram of you in your dress — if a video of our night appears on any online platform, I’m unfriending you.

Taking unimportant calls

Whenever the phone rings when I’m on a date, I panic. I’m thinking fire, flood, or fever, and being the compassionate soul that I am, when your phone rings, I’m worried for you. I can dig you wanting to say a couple of words to your friend and let her know you’re safe and that no, I haven’t proven to be an axe murderer, but wait… what’s the rest of that conversation about? And when is it gonna end?

Hating too much on other women

There’s nothing wrong with lightly poking fun at the charismatically less fortunate. Not everybody can have your flair, love, and that’s why I’m out with you. But if there’s a genuine edge to your humor and some of the stuff you say comes off as really mean-spirited, odds are you’ve got massive insecurities and you scare me.

Launching into unprovoked criticism

“That’s what’s wrong with Black men!” is a date killer. Even if it is something that’s really wrong with black men like disproportionate jail sentencing or razor bumps. Even constructive criticism isn’t good for first date conversations. If I tell you I hate my job, sympathize. Don’t tell me to quit cause the next thing you’ll say is, “But don’t look for me to support you. See, that’s what’s wrong with Black men!”

Getting drunk, high, or smoking cigarettes

Sure, I don’t mind if you’re drunk when we meet — if you’re at the bar and you find me hilarious and everything I say is either cute or funny and we exchange numbers. But once we’re at the dinner table, a second glass of wine might be cool but a second glass of vodka? No. And yes, I do mind if you smoke and what’s that in that cellophane? Do you know your way home from here?

Ordering salad

All these years later, that skit from the movie Raw is still on point. You can’t trust a chick that orders a salad. She’s up to something. She either wants you to think she’s health-conscious or easy to please. You can bet she’ll want diamonds and caviar on the second date so things should never even get to that point.

Dressing ratchet

Bandz will indeed make her dance, but that shouldn’t be the song that your wardrobe triggers when I first see you for our night out. I’m thinking Adore by Prince or maybe even Adorn by Miguel. If you’re attired like when you move, you expect dollars to fly, you’re out with the wrong guy.


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