Monogamy With Bisexual Brothas: Could You Date A Man Who Has Dated A Man?

October 25, 2012  |  

Anyone who knows me knows I am an absolute lover of gay culture ( I think they call it a “f*g hag,” but I’m not fond of the F-word), right down to my fondness for Lady Gaga, a fierce arched eyebrow and the nude beaches of Fire Island.  I love my ladies, but the truth is, gay guys have more fun and do they do it with impeccable flair.  I’ve attracted gay men in my bestie circle for as long as I can remember.  And while I like to think of myself as the most liberal rainbow flag flying ally I can imagine, I can’t help but still be confused by the concept of bisexuality.

I guess it’s because my experiences with my closest friends coming out have always been preceded by a prelude of bisexuality which I guess in a sense made me believe that bisexuality was some kind of bridge to all out homosexuality as opposed to a sexual preference in itself.  It was almost as if claiming bisexuality somehow made being gay easier to digest for others.  I can understand being sexually attracted to both sexes because sex can be as carnal or as completely physical as someone wants it to be.  Not everyone wants to always be catcher, sometimes you want to see what all of the positions on the baseball team feel like.

But pursuing a monogamous relationship on the other hand takes some level of commitment to a certain place on the field.  Worrying about my man getting excited every time something with soft skin and estrogen walks in the room is one thing, but to know that at any given moment he could get butterflies for the bouncer or the cocktail waitress, I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. What strangers choose to do in their bedroom is their own business, but what’s going on below the belt with my boyfriend is something I want the CarFax on, whether it’s a part of his past or his present.  And with me feeling like bisexuality is just the entrance ramp men take to the gay highway, dating a man with a bisexual past would make me feel like maybe a relationship with me is a last ditch attempt to truly make love work with a woman.

I’m well aware that there are all types of gay men, but we can’t deny that there are some stereotypes that gay men can’t seem to shake.  And as much as I love sipping lattes and shopping for skinny jeans with my gay guy pals, it might make me look at my boyfriend a little funny if he were to be bi.  I’m well aware that being attracted to other men doesn’t instantly make you a man-purse wearing, vogueing, card-carrying member of the LGBTQ culture and lifestyle, but there would be something about my guy possibly lusting after another dude that would bruise my attraction to all things alpha-male about him.

What bothers me even more is that this would be a completely different article if I were a heterosexual man writing about bisexual women. In fact, it might even be a top ten list titled, “Your Girlfriend’s Bi?  Here’s Ten Reasons Why You’re a Lucky Guy.”  In society’s eyes there is secretly something more hot and attractive about two women going at it as opposed to two men. Personally, I think that is the craziest double standard ever, but even so, the truth is that I’m not attracted to gay men.  I’ll shop with them in a heartbeat, but I hate feeling like I’ll be labeled “homophobic” because I don’t want to sleep with them.

When Gavin Rossdale confirmed rumors that flew about his former teen fling with a cross-dressing pop-star named Marilyn, I couldn’t help but wonder how Gwen Stefani felt.  Was she ashamed?  Did she question her own attractiveness?  Did she feel like their relationship was built on a lie?  Even much drooled actor Tom Hardy confessed to having flings with men in the past. But surprisingly, many women don’t share my same sentiment. In a YourTango article titled, “48% of You Would Date a Bisexual Man” readers revealed that bisexuality wasn’t a huge deal breaker when it came to dating a man. “Everyone falls somewhere on The Kinsey Scale (0 “exclusively heterosexual” to 10 “exclusively homosexual”), so I basically assume that most of us have either experimented or at least fantasized about it,” says Rachel, a 34-year-old writer.  Other readers expressed that adolescent experimentation or an isolated incident of bisexuality was acceptable, but an out-and-out declaration of bisexuality might leave them too distracted by the idea of their partner having a variety of options to actually be able to invest in a relationship.  The issue is that when it comes to monogamy, you’re kind of forced to choose unless you want have a plural marriage, so inevitably I would think that you would have to be attracted to one sex more than the other. If that’s the case, is that truly the line between heterosexuality and homosexuality?

I must say that bi-sexuality is a completely different beast that I still have a hard time understanding.  I understand the possibility of being sexually attracted to both sexes and even maintaining sexual relationships with both genders, but what happens when it comes to pursuing a real monogamous relationship? Maybe I need to get out more, but I still can’t help feeling that bisexuality is a red flag of a sexual preference with a little less variety.

Could you date a man who was admittedly bisexual? 

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and   parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women  build  their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual  health. She  also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from  beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter  @TheTrueTSharee or visit  her blog Bullets and Blessings .


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