Single Black Male: How A Woman Can Make The First Move Successfully

September 24, 2012  |  


There are a lot of dating advice columnists who will tell you that women should never approach men. They’ll tell you that it’s the man’s job to pursue the woman and when a woman tries to pursue a man, she comes across desperate or loose. To be honest, that’s not true and it’s awfully bad advice.

You can add those pieces of advice to the pile of all the other heap of crap men have been saying that’s inconsistent and doesn’t make much sense. Let’s take a look at this for a quick second; you tell women to take initiative, go out and get what they want, don’t sit back and wait for a man to do everything, but the one thing you can never do is approach a man? It doesn’t make much sense at all, does it?

In order for women to approach men and be successful they should try thinking about the approach like a salesman. It’s similar to how men assess situations, but I’m not telling women to think like a man, I’m merely borrowing the structure to help you form a plan.

The Setting

Effectively find a situation in which you can be in a power position or at least a level playing field. When men go out looking for women to approach, they tend to go to places where they know they can dominate. You don’t want to be outshined. Here’s where a lot of women make their first mistake, they go  to places where men hang out in order to pursue women. That’s a home game for the man, that’s a hard road win for women. Where are women more likely to be able to approach men and get the upper position or a level playing field? Places where men really don’t have any stronghold over the circumstance. For example, what about a retail store? If there’s a guy who catches your eye in a department store, that’s a great place to approach a man and spark a conversation. Men appreciate your opinion and often times shop out of necessity without really knowing if it’s stylish or not.

The Time

Timing is very important. Men always pay attention to the timing when approaching a woman. Did she just arrive? Is she about to leave? If I approach her now, how long will the conversation have to be? (This is to reduce the chances of saying too much or making a mistake.) You’ll want to make sure that you’re going to have enough time to spark a conversation and leave an impression, but not so much that the conversation becomes dull and boring.

The Level of Effort

Men approach women like football teams, they’ll keep pushing until they score or win the championship. Women can’t do this; that’s not going to work for her because it’s not going to seem genuine for a man. I describe the woman’s level of effort in any relationship as the carrot and horse approach or “feeding him the cake.” When you’re attempting to feed someone a piece of cake you have to let them know that you want them to have it, but you must require that they do the effort of coming to get it. Envision yourself as the cake, put yourself in a position in which he begins to crave you, but hold back just enough to make him do the work needed to have you.

The Contingency Plan

Always have a contingency plan if things don’t go as planned. What does this mean? Think about it this way, most men don’t risk it all on one toss. They typically always have a fall back plan if the approach doesn’t work. When you first think about approaching a guy, identify the men in the room you know that you can already get to come to you, even if he’s a man from your past. This will give you a contingency if the guy you’ve spotted doesn’t show any interest.

The Support Group

It helps if you are with a “wingwoman” or a group of friends. Having a support group to help you deal with rejection is essential. You’re not going to succeed every time you approach a man. Typically, it takes a lot of attempts to find one that works. From my observations, some women tend to try something once, experience failure and then completely write it off as a bad idea going forward. That’s not going to work here. (It really shouldn’t ever be the way to go.) You’ll try and fail, try and fail, try and win a little, eventually fail, but what will really hold you down will be your support group.

The Secret

Figure out what really matters in a person’s life. You know what guys do? They know that women like to feel like we’re interested in what they have to say. Here’s the tip that you need, laugh at his jokes. That’s your best pickup line. That’s how you approach men. If you’re a bystander of a conversation and you chuckle at one of his jokes, he’ll immediately think of you as a potential partner. Sense of humor is high on most men’s list.

I hope that this post inspires women to feel more empowered to approach men. There’s a ton of advice out there, but most of it all breaks down to traditional approaches that don’t work anymore in 2012. I’m interested to hear your thoughts and stories. Please show some love in the comments.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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