You Can’t Escape The Ratch: 8 Of The Ratchetest Places On Earth

September 17, 2012  |  
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By now the obsession with all things ratchet has overtaken the minds, hearts and spirits of Black America. From Issa Rae’s “RatchetPiece Theatre” to our unswerving love for (and fascination by) something called a ‘Joseline Hernandez,’ there really ain’t no way around it. Ratchet is in. And ratchet activities don’t only take place in the obvious places you might immediately think of. Like Breaking Bad’s Walter White, ratchet usually happens in the places you don’t even expect.


Any reality TV show set

This one is pretty obvious. All manners of foolery and coonery take place on the set of reality TV shows. Every week a cast of characters comes in, fights, throws bottles/panties/shade, and then washes-rinses-and-repeats for the next week’s show. If the walls of “Love and Hip Hop,”  “Basketball Wives,” or “For the Love of Ray J” could talk, I bet they’d say “please disinfect me with bleach and burn me to the ground.”

The United States Congress

For some reason US Congress just can’t get right. They don’t pass the budget that they are supposed to we won’t have to default to sequestration, and the American public is not really foolin’ with them like that, so it’s no wonder that a Gallup poll in August gave them one of their lowest approval ratings in 38 years. The only explanation for this: it’s full of ratchets.

The space between a lacefront and a scalp

I am all for a good weave, but something about how the lacefront locks in all the heat and juices leads me to believe that the sliver of space between the wig and the scalp might hold all sorts of unsavory sights. Especially if it hasn’t seen the light of day in more than a month, yikes!

The Courthouse

When you think of the courthouse, usually what pops into your mind is lawyers, judges, and people getting eloped. Courthouses are also where Ray Ray and Pookie go when they get summonsed for bussin’ it open in the public park, or where Old Mrs. Robinson gets fined for public intoxication. The alleged robbers and stabbers and scallywags of the world need their cases heard, and this is where it happens. Trust me: the courthouse let-out is not a joke.

Your parent’s bedroom

Nobody wants to think about how they got here, but your parents bedroom is usually the place where the kinky, ratchet activities that led to your birth occurred. Never look in the box under the bed or at the VHS tapes in the closet. Scarred. For. Life.

Restaurant Kitchens

I know a lot of people love to go out to eat – hell, that’s where most of my paycheck goes – but after having worked in restaurant kitchens, I have resolved to cook my own food as much as possible.  The people who are cheffing your chef’s salad are likely overworked, underpaid, and don’t give a damn if you want your dressing on the side instead of on top of the salad. That means that if they are having a bad day, it can be taken out on what goes into your stomach, so make sure your dressing is actually, you know, dressing.

Direct Messages

Where thirst on Twitter goes to reveal itself more fully. Not speaking from experience, but a lot of people I know use that DM to engage in unholy activities with their e-boos, all while maintaining an angelic appearance in what they tweet publicly. It only bites them in the butt when the e-boo puts them on blast with screenshots. Live by the DM, die by the DM.

Comments Section

You know what they say about opinions and a-holes: everyone’s got one. And because of advances in modern technology, everyone can share their opinions about everything online in the comments section. E-thugs will bang on people they don’t even know over some nonsense, just because it’s the comments section, and that’s what people do in the comments section. I like to think of it as a ratchet breeding ground.

Ratchet locales are everywhere under the sun, all you have to do is look for them.

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