Single Black Male: Why Don’t Women Understand When Men Are Just Trying To Sleep With Them?

September 17, 2012  |  

“Is he just trying to have sex with me, or is he really interested?” 

Perhaps, the reason it’s so difficult for women to figure out if a man’s sole purpose is sexual is because most men are raised with the foundation of their “game” rooted in “tell her what she wants to hear.” It may not have been our father, older brother or cousin, but somewhere along the way, a group of wise men sat in a room and bestowed upon us that in order to get anywhere with a woman you just “tell her what she wants to hear.” Inevitably this causes women to live in a constant state of paranoia and confusion.

A Feeling of Invincibility 

To be honest, the main reason why most women can’t tell when men are trying to sleep with them is because of a feeling of invincibility. Many women believe that they mature faster than men; some even go as far to think that women are smarter or cleverer than men. This is simply not true in all cases. This feeling of invincibility or superiority in the game of the birds and bees allows men to deceive women because they could never imagine that a man would be able to outsmart them. In some cases, it may not even be an issue of wisdom, but an issue of being overly confident. “Who in their right mind wouldn’t want me?!” That mindset will lead you into situations where men take advantage of you.

The Difference between Dreams and Reality 

All of us struggle with separating dreams and reality. We have an idea of how we’d like the situation to be in our head, and at times, nothing could be further from the reality of the situation. Women will tell their friends that the reason he only texts and never calls is because “he’s busy.” They’ll also tell their friends that the reason why he only comes by late at night and never stays over is because “he’s got a lot going on at work.” In their mind, everything makes sense because of his “situation,” but they often neglect their own situation. He may be your dream guy, but in reality he’s giving you no more than a booty call.

Inability to Accept Failure 

In addition to a feeling of invincibility or inability to separate dreams from reality, women sometimes don’t want to admit failure. They want to think in their mind that in the end this will lead to a relationship or marriage. They want to think that if they put in the effort, then good things will come to them. Even when they’re faced with the obvious truth, they don’t want to admit their circumstance because they don’t want to feel embarrassed. There aren’t many women out there who are bold enough to admit to their friends, “All he wanted was sex.”

So, what can women do to avoid this situation? 

The solution is simple. Evaluate your relationships with men based on the connections that you have. Is the connection or attraction, sexual or emotional? It’s actually just that simple, but we overcomplicate it trying to avoid having the egg on our face. If a man is interested in pursuing something serious with a woman he cares about how, he will communicate emotionally, not just sexually. His communication won’t always lead to sex or something physical, but they will be more emotional in nature.

Think of it this way, he’ll ask you, “How was your day?” instead of “What are you doing later tonight?” He’ll tell you, “I really like where things are going” instead of “I’m trying to see what’s good.” You’ll have to be honest with yourself too. In all things relationship related you have to take things at face value, and if they don’t make sense, speak up. If you are confused about where things are going, there’s nothing more clarifying than a simple question, “Where is this going?” If a man finds it hard to respond to this question, or hesitates, it’s a sign. Don’t ignore those signs, pay attention to those signs, and check your goals in a relationship against his actions. If you’re able to come to an honest assessment about your situation, whether privately or with the help of friends, you’ll avoid being just another girl in a man’s sexual adventures.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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