When Not To Make The First Move With A Guy

September 17, 2012  |  
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The old notions of playing hard to get and “a guy should chase you” are out the window. You have complete freedom. But freedom is a big responsibility! And can sometimes get you in trouble. So, you can make the first move whenever you’d like. But should you?


When you don’t have his contact info

Even if you feel certain the guy was into you. Even if he said he couldn’t wait to talk to you. Even if he already asked you in person to go out on a certain day, at a certain time. If you do not have his contact information, but he has yours, do not go tracking down his information. Don’t look it up on his company website. Don’t find him on Facebook. Don’t get the info from a friend that knows him. Even if the guy was into you, it will look desperate when he realizes all the trouble you had to go through to get his information.


When two friends are into you, and you’re into one of them

This is a tough situation but the good news is, you have very little responsibility in it. If two guys that are close friends are both clearly into you, but you’re only into one of them, to avoid being the reason their friendship got destroyed, sit back and wait. When two male friends are into the same girl, typically they will have a conversation about which of them is allowed to go for her. If the one you’re into gets the green light, good for you! If the one you’re not into comes knocking at your door, feel free to reject him. Because he will then most likely give his buddy the green light. The way guys tend to think is, “She’s cute! Somebody should get her!”

When he hasn’t reached out for over a week

So you exchange numbers with a guy at a bar. He seemed so into you, but then over a week passes and he doesn’t reach out to you. I’m not saying it is the guy’s job to reach out no matter what, but let me ask you this: do you want to be with a guy that either A) wasn’t into you enough to put in the energy to reach out to you or B) Is extremely shy? A man that gets a girl’s number and doesn’t reach out for over a week falls inevitably into one of those categories. And that’s not somebody you want to be with, anyways. If you meant enough to him, he would have reached out.

He’s newly single

Believe it or not, even men are emotionally vulnerable after a breakup. And emotionally vulnerable means confused. To run from his own pain, a guy might tell himself he’s into you, sleep with you, and even date you for a few weeks. But, all humans are built equally in one sense: we need time to heal after a breakup to have any clear understanding of our feelings for new people. As tempting as it might be to jump on a guy you’ve always crushed on that is newly single, hold back. If he’s sincerely into you, he’ll show it in a few months.

When he’s wasted

Not only women get taken advantage of when drunk. Plenty of women take the opportunity to get some inebriated attention from a man that wouldn’t otherwise pay it to them. A man that isn’t into you at all whilst sober might be very affectionate and flirty while drunk. And while you might be thinking, “This is my chance! He really is into me after all!” you’ll usually face the harsh reality (the next morning) that his feelings were all alcohol driven.

In front of friends

No matter how well you and a guy are hitting it off, don’t give him his first kiss with others in the room. I know: when you’re drunk, and you’re really into someone, you can forget that anybody else is in the room, or in the world. But it’s embarrassing for a guy to have all of his friends witness his first physical intimacy with a woman.


He only invites you out in groups

You’re sleeping together. You’re hanging out. But you’re not dating. Any time he invites you to hang out, it’s in a group. But you always go home together so he feels like a boyfriend. Do not be the first to suggest, “What if just the two of us get dinner tonight?” If the scenario described has been going on for a while, odds are you are just a friend with benefits or this guy makes a terribly lazy boyfriend. That won’t change. Look: if you’re already having sex with him, he knows he could take you to dinner if he wanted to.

If he’s just undergone a tragedy

If a man has just lost someone he loved, lost his job, or had a life-changing tragedy strike him, do not initiate anything from the first kiss to the first session in the sack together. Somebody undergoing tragedy is emotionally compromised. They are looking for validation and/or comfort. They’ll take sex from just about anybody they are half-heartedly attracted to. You can’t know if a man’s feelings are real for you unless he expresses them under normal circumstances.

“The talk”

You’ve been seeing a guy for a while, but he still doesn’t refer to you as his “girlfriend.” In fact, you haven’t spoken about what exactly the two of you are doing at all. And you want too—badly. Don’t do it in a social setting. Do not bring it up at a bar or party, or in the car on the drive to a bar or party. The last thing any guy wants to be is the one who is 45 minutes late because he and his girlfriend were having “a talk.”

If he’s a dad

Any single dad has to tread carefully, because his romantic decisions not only affect himself but his child. For the most part, a single father needs even more reasons to invite you home for sex, or even invite you home at all, for the first time. He vets his potential girlfriends far longer than just a regular, no-kids guy. So don’t try to have “the talk” with him. He’ll have it with you when he’s ready.

Don’t be the first to pick something expensive

Presuming you’re not a gold digger, if you’re dating a new guy, don’t be the first to suggest an expensive activity or establishment. Since often the man does pay, a guy is either holding off on expensive experiences because A) he is broke or B) doesn’t know how invested he wants to be in you yet, so doesn’t know if you’re worth dropping big bucks on. You certainly don’t want to embarrass a man who is struggling financially. If it’s the second reason, then you want to wait for him to suggest something expensive on his own, because then you know the gesture is authentic.

The first to visit

Say you meet a guy in your home town and you really hit it off, but he’s just visiting from somewhere else. You get to hang out a couple of times while he is in town and develop a connection. So you stay in touch. Even if the subject of visiting one another has come up, do not be the first to start looking up flights and suggesting dates. To be polite (and because men don’t think as far ahead as women do) the guy will probably say, “Go ahead and book the flight!” But, only a man that suggests your visit, all on his own, is  certain he wants to see you. And you don’t want to be spending time or money on somebody who was any less than certain about that.

When he has a girlfriend

It happens: you meet a guy and the two of you hit it off. You connect on every level, except for one: you’re single and he’s not. But the feelings are strong on both sides. Do not make the first move. Do not even be the first one to say something about the obvious feelings there. If this guy does leave his girlfriend for you, it will always weigh on your conscience that you broke a couple up.


You’re not sure if you’re in the friend zone

You meet a guy at a bar or party. The two of you seem to hit it off, but he was there with another female. He does not introduce her as a girlfriend. He is never affectionate with her. He pays attention to you. But still, she was there…so you’re not sure if this guy was just looking for a new buddy in you or a date. To avoid feeling humiliated if he was just looking for a buddy, wait for him to reach out to you.

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