A Note On Overanxious People Who Like To Blow Other Folk’s Relationships Up: Can We Live?!

September 11, 2012  |  

For a lot of people, when they get into a relationship, you know a real, we’ve had “the talk” he’s my boyfriend, I’m his girlfriend, official relationship, they can’t wait to tell the world and brag on their boo’d up bliss. For people who haven’t quite crossed that threshold yet, but are trying to, there’s nothing worse than a bunch of outsiders getting all up in their business, questioning their relationship status and where your relationship is going — particularly in front of said person you want to one day call your boo.

You know what I’m talking about, the “so what’s up with you two” questions (asked in front of him); the “are you two officially together yet questions” (asked in front of him); heck even for those further down the line, the “so when are you going to pop the question,” type of questions are, simply put, not cool. Even when the pressure isn’t coming from you, you know your man friend is feeling like some sort of indirect ultimatum is being slammed on him, or at least people are putting thoughts in your head that will eventually make you start putting pressure on him and that’s when things tend to get, shall we say, uncomfortable.

The most extreme case of  people inserting themselves into my relationship timeline happened to me back in college. I can’t even say questions are what did me and the guy I was talking to at the time in. I think the assumptions about our future were enough for to send him running far, far away from me. On a random weekday, me and this guy who had been hanging out for maybe a couple months or so were supposed to get together for dinner that evening. When it was about time for us to hook up he cancelled saying his mother was in the hospital. The assumptive pessimist in me was like, ugh, is this negro lying? But when he texted me a few minutes after breaking the news asking if I would mind taking him up to the hospital I figured the excuse was legit.

When we got to the hospital, I volunteered to come back and get him later if he needed a ride but he asked me to come in so I obliged, hesitantly, thinking of how my mom would react if her first time meeting some man I was pseudo-dating was while she was laid up in a half-open hospital gown but I figured he knew his family. If they were mad, it was on him. The first person I met was the guy’s grandmother who was in the waiting room expecting his arrival. We laughed at her adjusting her hair and clothes because she saw he had company with him as we walked across the parking lot and I felt good that I wasn’t the only one on pins and needles. Granny was easy. It was when they were going back to see his mom in her room and he told me to come back that things went downhill. Moms was great and didn’t seem annoyed by the presence of a random stranger in her hospital room. In fact, when a nurse asked her who I was, she replied, “I guess my new daughter.” And that’s when the music dropped.

Though I was grateful she was graciously welcoming, I pretty much avoided all contact with her son for the next I don’t know how many hours thinking we haven’t even come close to the toll booth to cross that relationship bridge and I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate that seed being planted in my head. But it got better — or worse actually. Later when a new nurse began her shift she already assumed I was the daughter-in-law, or on my way to becoming so, when she immediately asked, “so are you two married?” Uhh are we even exclusively dating? I replied “no” and then she added, “you two are gorgeous together, when you have kids, you have to let me have one.” Pause. “Your chilren are going to be so beautiful. Your features with his, ahhh, the kids will be adorable.” Pretty sure both of our libidos dried up in that instance.

Needless to say, that was the last time I talked to him — ever. Though I can’t say for certain what caused him to go MIA on me—especially when he invited me all up in his private family biz prematurely — but I have a feeling his family putting images of me barefoot and pregnant in his head when we hadn’t even done the do yet did not go over well. The mature thing to do would have been not to assume that all of a sudden I was going to think I was apart of the fam and calling his mother “mom” or something like that, but instead he ran,because of course all men think women are dying to rush right into relationships and there was no way I wasn’t going to pressure him into being together ASAP. Not.

Unfortunately, my own friends have put me in uncomfortable positions as well. I remember I met a guy on New years Eve a few years back and as he was taking my number, one of my friends from way back in grade school busted in asking what his intentions were with me. Uh, at the moment he was just trying to get a number. Unfortunately my suggestion that she chill fell on deaf ears as her next inquisition was what was his upbringing and what kind of household did he grow up in. For some reason, he felt obligated to reply and by the time he got around to explaining that he was adopted, I decided it was time to nip this in the bud and kiss any future goodbye as I was 110% sure the whole “birds of a feather” mantra was floating around in his brain and he knew I was certified cray, cray like my nosy friend.

For some reason, people have an odd way of assuming they’re helping you out when they interject themselves into your relationship and try to move things along for you unwelcomingly. In the end, they usually end up causing arguments, break-ups, and all sorts of awkward moments that sometimes are reparable and other times are not. As a general rule, it’s best to ask these assumptive, “so where are things going between you two” questions in private when alone with one part of the not-quite-a couple-yet pair, otherwise they might just stop it from happening to begin with.

Have you ever had people ask awkward questions about your relationship that made things awkward with your partner?

Brande Victorian is the news and operations editor for madamenoire.com. Follow her on twitter @Be_Vic.

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