Contemplating The Heart: How I Came To Understand That His Love Was Not A Pure Love

October 10, 2012  |  

Wikipedia defines four kinds of love. Agape. Eros. Philia. Storge.  But, I’m not buying that “I love you” line. Most people wouldn’t recognize love if it walked by naked in a pair of red pumps. I’m no cynic. I believe in love, real love, but the way the word is thrown around makes me a little bit sick. And that’s why I cancelled the hotel reservation and went to that Nas concert alone. 

Kyle*  was my boyfriend, 3 boyfriends ago and we almost got married. So glad we didn’t. It’s scary now thinking about it because I would have ended up that lonely woman from Revolutionary Road waiting around for the opportunity to start living. But Kyle didn’t see it that way. Our relationship was one of convenience and when we moved in together things got a lot worse before they got better. Actually, they never got better, they just got worse and if I were to see him now, he’d say his fondest memory of me never happened.

One day, I’m not sure when, he started telling me that he loved me. He even recited those three words over and over again after we broke up to validate their truth, but I never bought it. Love doesn’t look like screaming matches at 11 o’clock at night or text messages that read “I wish I never met you.” How do you love someone, truly love them, and then one day, don’t anymore? They say agape love is an unconditional love. What does that mean anyway? It’s redundant. Isn’t all love unconditional? If the love depends on a condition, then it’s not love. It’s lust, infatuation, a lot of like or just pretending to be what someone told you love looks like.

I have a sister… I love her. Can’t fall out of love with her, could never hate her, can’t stop caring, can’t stop giving a damn. Not even if I tried. Some would call it Storge, the familial love, like a mother has for her child, but that’s nonsense. Parents love children, sisters love brothers, friends love friends, and husbands love wives, but that doesn’t mean the love, it’s definition, is any different or any stronger. Love is love, no matter the relationship of the people loving. So if I could never stop loving my mother, or my children, how then, could Kyle stop loving me? Love doesn’t go away. I believe in loving from a distance. Some people weren’t meant to be a forever integral part of our lives but the love doesn’t dissipate if it was ever there to begin with. Eros is a romantic love? Yeah right…That’s sex with a lot of passion. Not love.

The gods say love is not a feeling.  You choose to love. It’s a decision. So Kyle decided one day that he was going to love me and then when things didn’t work out as he planned, when I told him our relationship wasn’t worth the headache, when I stopped being able to talk to him and instead got his representative, that man his whole world told him he should be, that’s when he decided not to love me anymore? And ok, I’ll take that, but don’t tell me you loved me. Don’t tell me that’s what it was, because I don’t buy that “I love you” line. A month before the breakup I made plans for his birthday. Dinner reservations, tickets to a Nas concert, and a hotel room at the Hilton.

This is the way I see it. Love is an uncontrollable emotion. It comes upon you and when it does, it never leaves you. You don’t choose love. It chooses you and it comes with time. We can choose who we invest time in, who we spend time with, which in turn enables love to manifest itself, but the love?…nah we don’t choose that. Love is not dependent on circumstance or situation. It’s there regardless of what happens or doesn’t happen. We choose what to do with it. Because I love, I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to disappoint. Not, I don’t hurt, I don’t dissapoint, and therefore I love.

I finally saw Kyle in all of his glory the day before his birthday. What started as a conversation about when we should get married, ended in a fist fight and me being thrown from a moving car. Love? That’s funny. He wouldn’t know love if it walked by naked in a pair of red pumps so I canceled the hotel reservation and went to that Nas concert alone.

*Name changed

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