Single Black Male: Should You Worry If Your Man’s Friends Hate You?
It’s no secret to anyone who follows Hip Hop and Entertainment that the rumor’s out; Jay-Z and Beyonce aren’t taking too nicely to Kanye’s girlfriend, Kim Kardashian. My initial reaction to this news was that it was pretty obvious that not all four of those people would get along. Jay and Bey have always struck me as extremely private people, meanwhile, Kim lives her life in the limelight almost 24/7. The real question is, should Kim spend a lot of time trying to figure out a way to get into their inner circle, or just leave it alone? In my opinion, she’s best to leave it alone.
There are several reasons why your boyfriend’s close friends may not actually like the person he’s dating. At times, it’s not even a great sense of dislike, but disconnect of mutual connection points required for a potential friendship. Keep in mind that as a girlfriend, your main connection point with your man is emotional, with his friends it’s friendship. Moreover, it’s rare that two people who are the exact same are in a relationship. Often times, opposites attract. With that said, it’s a good chance that you have nothing in common with his friends.
Furthermore, there are fundamental differences in the way men and women develop friendships. Most men are likely to develop friendships early in life and keep them forever. Women possess the ability to meet women along the way and then build and maintain really meaningful friendships. What this means for you is that there’s a chance most of your boyfriend’s friends are comfortable with their current circle and aren’t looking to add to it.
Personally, I’ve always struggled with assumptions that placed expectations on my actions. Many times, my best male friends have dated women that I didn’t much care for at all. It didn’t mean that maybe my male friends and I didn’t have much in common, but maybe we don’t have the same taste in women. That’s not a reason for us to stop being friends; I’m not the one he’s looking for as a romantic companion in life.
There are three points of advice that I can pass to you if you’re struggling to understand the distance between your boyfriend’s friends and yourself.
Examine your desire to have a relationship with his friends – If you think that his friends think you’re trying to steal away their friend to a place they’ll never be able to see him again, then that’s one thing. However, if you’re just checking off a box for your relationship that tells you that a great girlfriend blends in like just one of the guys, forget it. I’ve been in more than a handful of weddings, women always ask us, “Do you like his wife?” Real men all answer that question the same way, “It doesn’t really matter, I’m not marrying her. If she makes him happy, then I like her.”
The best way to get his friends to like you is to be yourself. Don’t go out of your way to watch the football game with us when it’s obvious it’s not your thing. Don’t hold your tongue if you disagree with a point in the conversation when you really feel different. As men, we don’t want to feel forced into something or that someone is trying too hard. We just want you to be yourself and be comfortable with the level of friendship we have. In time, things will grow if it’s meant to be.
Demand respect over a friendship – There will be times when you’re not going to be able to foster a relationship with your boyfriend’s friends. All of my friends know this one thing, “we don’t always have to agree, but we must respect each other.” Therefore, his friends don’t always have to like you, but they must respect you. If you find yourself in a situation where his friends seem a little distant, focus your efforts on garnering their respect.
Let me be clear, I’m not telling you to not make any attempts to be cordial or friendly with your boyfriend’s friends. There are some men that their girlfriend getting along with the guys is an important thing. What you should take away from this message is that if you’ve extended yourself and his friends seem hesitant, don’t waste too much time on it. There are surely so many more pressing items in your relationship that need your attention.
Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated. Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.
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