Ask a Very Smart Brotha Live: Is He Too Controlling?

July 18, 2012  |  
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Rochelle: Why do men entice games with women and when we don’t respond to it, get all mad?

D.Y: No one likes to be ignored. Well, no one outside of the woman who will eventually marry Tyler Perry

 

Jac’que: I “dated” a man that has two other {that I have met in his place of business} ladies that he is “dating” as well, I wanna know if that shows I have no self respect or low-self esteem or “hard-up” for a man? I feel GOOD about the honesty but I really wanna know how you feel about it AND what IS “dating” if THAT aint it? Thank YOU.

D.Y: I think many people misconstrue the concept of dating and what it’s supposed to accomplish. While I know there are some who can only date one person at a time, to date means that you’re single and dating people…sometimes multiple people. Basically, there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing.

Tamaraa: How do you break up with a man when you’re not in love with them? It’s more of a sense of loyalty and comfort because you have been through some hard times together?

D.Y: Tell him the truth. Regardless of whatever loyalty/comfort thing you have, no one wants to stay in a relationship with someone who has explicitly told them that they’re not in love with them.

Lynette: How do you know when a guy is stringing you along or is really thinking your gf/relationship material? How do you get past all the “I miss you’s” and “I wish I could see you’s” and discover if a relationship is what he wants, especially if its long distance?

D.Y: : The best (and only) way to gauge how much a man is truly into you is how much time he’s willing to spend around you. If he’s ALWAYS trying to see you or making plans to see you, then it’s probably legit. If not, it’s probably not.

Zenobia: What to do if a man truly loves you but is not affectionate?

D.Y: Ask him to be more affectionate. I know that seems like a simple answer, but the answer to most relationship related questions are as easy as “No one can read your mind. Speak the hell up!”

Iris: Why do men think I’m flirting when I honestly think I’m being nice?

D.Y: Because many of us have been (wrong) socialized/engineered to think that “any woman being nice to us in any way whatever” means “she wants my babies…on her chest”

Shardonay: I’ve been dating this guy for two weeks, and he is really great. He tells me all the time that he really likes me often, and that he could see me becoming his girlfriend. This has never happened to me before so it’s kinda scary. Is two weeks too soon for a guy to know whether he wants to be with a girl or not or am I sabotaging myself?

D.Y: Guys typically figure that stuff out much sooner than women do. Shyte, sometimes we figure it out before even talking to you, lol. Now, it is a bit odd for a guy to actually be expressing those feelings after only two weeks — we typically like to play it cool — and that does give me a bit of pause. It’s possible that he likes the idea of having a girlfriend more than he likes you. My advice: Don’t get freaked out, but continue to move slowly.

Jennifer: If your man tell you he wants you to stop smoking..even though you’ve done it all the years he’s known you, and he says ” Well, I want a certain type of woman and a smoking on isn’t it”… How should u feel? I mean it’s not about quitting, it’s about the way it was presented. Can’t he love me for me?

D.Y: Maybe he does love you for you, and doesn’t want to see you die of lung cancer. I guess he could have asked you in a better way, but really, there’s no wrong way to ask someone to stop doing something that could eventually not only kill them but other people around them

Tammy: Hi Damon. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4years now and even though we love each other, we somehow seem to argue a lot now because he is older than I am (he is 34 and I’m 26) and he thinks he knows everything! Whenever I say I want to do something he instantly steps in and tells me how I should do it and it’s annoying…I want to discuss this with him but I’m not sure what to say without making him feel like I’m verbally attacking him. I know he wants to help me succeed in anything I do but I need him to give me some ”elbow room.”  How can I talk to him about this without turning it into an argument? Thanks!

D.Y: Considering the age difference, it sounds like your boyfriend has some control issues. I think you need to do whatever it takes to nip it in the bud before you do something more permanent like marriage or children. Wanting the best for someone doesn’t give you the right to basically order them around.

 

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

If you have a relationship question you would like Damon to answer, feel free to email us at editors@madamenoire.com.

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