Ask a Very Smart Brotha Live: What’s With All the Diva Dudes?
Aisha: Why are men so slow to make up their minds when it comes to relationships? Women know moments into a conversation whether or not we want to get to know you without actually getting to know you.
D.Y.: Actually, a man knows immediately whether or not he considers a woman to be potentially relationship/marriage worthy. That judgment is actually made much quicker than the woman’s judgment about us. If a guy is slow to make up his mind, it just means he’s not completely into the woman he’s “considering.”
Ananya: Why do men in relationships inbox women on Facebook trying to hook up? And why are they so dishonest?
D.Y.: It’s an easy way to produce results without much effort. And, as far as honesty goes, if you’re considering hooking up with a person you met through inbox solicitation, who gives a damn about the truth?
Jessica: (A) Is there a such thing as the Kanye/Donald Glover complex? Men who are now grown and fully adult holding on to the angst of their dating rejection youth. I would like to hear your opinion, but I think this is the case. (B) Women endure the same rejection and growth process, but men seem to hold on to this angst, why is this deemed socially acceptable and not treated as an emotional disorder?
D.Y.: Jessica: Basically, what you’re talking about is men getting a little “hot” and becoming dogs to make up for the years that they were ugly ducklings. Mike Jones made a pretty popular song about this phenomenon (“Back Then”), and I actually have a term for these types of guys: “Diva Dudes” (Check here for more info.)
Thing is, men aren’t the only ones to allow pain/rejection from their past to affect their current lives. Perhaps you just feel that this is a man-specific trait because, well, (I’m assuming) you haven’t dated any women. You may think I’m being defensive by throwing women in there, but the best way to deal with this way of thinking not to think “only men or only women do this” but to remember that men and women do much of the same stuff. Doing that helps us communicate with each other better, and will help to prevent more Diva Dudes from being born.
Stephanie: Why don’t men court women anymore? Flowers…etc.
D.Y.: Men do court. They just don’t court women they’re not really all that into. And, if a woman shows that she’s cool with the “Let’s chill” game, what incentive is there to go beyond that?
Sufia: Does distancing yourself from a man really make him want you more? What’s a healthy amount of distance to give in a new relationship?
D.Y.: Distancing yourself doesn’t make a man want you more. He might not want you less, but he’s not gonna start being more in love with you just because he hasn’t seen your A$$ in three weeks. Also, as far as a healthy amount of distance goes, there’s no set answer. It depends on the relationship and how comfortable you all feel around each other.
Rina: Why do men say that they can only see you as a little sister or just a friend but when someone acts like they have a bit of interest in you, they act a bit possessive?
D.Y.: Because we’re all kind of crazy and possessive (me included).
Joanne: What do you mean by the “let’s chill” game? Is that when you see one another for no strings attached sex without courting in public?
D.Y.: “Let’s chill” game is basically what happens when guys always ask women to come over and chill instead of asking them on actual dates.
Vivian: Is it wrong to be upset that my husband considers his ex wife’s daughter his actual daughter even though he was only in her life for three years? He doesn’t see her, but says that’s his daughter. I feel since the relationship is over why still call her your daughter when she has a father? They do have one son together though, I have no issues with that.
D.Y.: Yeah, I think this is something you’re going to have to get over. Can’t chide men for not caring about their kids and then, in the next breath, get upset at a man for loving a kid that wasn’t even biologically his.
Ava: My husband constantly puts his family and friends before me worrying more on their feelings being spared than mine. Is he really devoted to marriage or looking good to them?
D.Y.: Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. That — putting anyone’s needs ahead of your wife’s — isn’t a good look.
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