Ask a Very Smart Brotha: What Should I Do About My Man’s Crazy Ex?

June 13, 2012  |  

Hey D.Y.,

Let me give u a quick back story first, I was with a guy for 2yrs he got deployed and told me not to wait, live my life. I decided to wait anyway, a few months go by and I hear nothing. One day I bump into a mutual acquaintance and she says “Congrats, I hear you 2 got married.” I said no I didn’t. She said well he got married and I thought he married you. I was devastated. I do some digging and find out he did get married, saw wedding pics, the whole 9. We never spoke again. Fast forward to now he contacts me through Facebook to get together he needs to apologize.

I reluctantly meet him, he gives me the song and dance of what happened and apologized. I accepted and agreed we need to move on. We stay in contact over course of a year and start dating again and things are going well now all of a sudden he is saying he is going through something and needs space. I truly love and care for this man but I feel like there is more going on and he is not being honest. I try to talk to him and he is very vague and we have not spoken in a few days. I feel like a fool I should’ve known better. I want to make a clean break but feel like I would be giving up what could be a great future with someone. I need a second opinion, should I walk away or stick it out?



Dear T.B.,

I’ve been staring at this question for 15 minutes now, trying to figure exactly what emotion this letter made me feel. Usually, when I get questions with obvious answers, I feel some sort of combination of condescension and exasperation, but this made me feel…sad. I am honestly and literally sad that you’re allowing this “man” to play you like this. I feel sad for you. I feel sad that you think this is a question even worth asking and a “man” worth giving any thought whatsoever to. I feel sad for the woman he’s going to date after he’s done playing you. I feel sad for the men who have to deal with women who can’t trust anyone anymore because they’ve been played by dudes like this.

You asked me for advice, and my advice to you is that you should remove all ties and never speak to this man again. But, from a holistic/community perspective, perhaps you should stay with him. You staying with/marrying him means that there will be one less sociopathic man out there infesting the dating pool, and maybe it’s in everyone’s best interests if you take this one for the team.


Damon Young

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