Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Dating the Ex’s Friend & Waiting for His Libido

May 30, 2012  |  

Dear Damon,

My boyfriend and I had a baby 5 months ago and we haven’t had sex since I was about 6 months pregnant. I have expressed my desire on many occasions and have gotten nowhere. Other aspects of the relationship are fine and when I talk to him he says he wants it as well but nothing ever happens. It seems wrong to end things because of this or to step out on him but I don’t know what to do. I have been considering both. I can’t go on like this. Should it be a deal breaker? He’s a wonderful father and as far as our relationship goes we talk, go out, he’s supportive, he provides, brings me gifts and flowers, cooks, does laundry, etc. But I feel like I have to beg for sex and I will not; I also cannot see myself in a sexless relationship. I have asked him if he wants to separate (wondering if I’m the reason he doesn’t want to be physical) and he says no so I don’t understand.

Sincerely,

Tired of Waiting

 

Dear Tired of Waiting,

I have to say, in all my years of letter answering and advice giving, this is the first I’ve heard of a relationship on the ropes because the man decided to stop having sex. Not saying it never happens — I’m sure it occurs more often than people think — but it’s interesting how whenever a couple is having libido issues, the woman’s lack of sex drive is usually what’s blamed.

Anyway, although I’m (obviously) not your boyfriend, I can think of quite a few reasons why he may not want to have sex. Perhaps it’s a physical issue. Maybe he’s having problems down there, and doesn’t want to have sex because he’s embarrassed. Maybe he’s depressed, and the depression is affecting his libido. Maybe the demands of new fatherhood have made sex unimportant to him. And, perhaps he’s not as sexually attracted to you as he was before you got pregnant and (presumably) gained weight.

Either way, removing sex from a relationship for no apparent reason is definitely a relationship dealbreaker (please re-read this everyone), and I suggest you stress to him the importance of seeing a doctor or a therapist to see what’s causing this issue. You have to be careful with how you suggest it, though. There may not be a subject more sensitive for a man than his performance in the bedroom, and, if you genuinely want for this relationship to work, you have to find a way to convince him to get help instead of shaming him into it.

If he’s willing, then hopefully you’ll be able to make whatever changes are needed together.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

If you’d like Damon to answer a longer relationship question, send an e-mail to editors_at_madamenoire.com. You can also join Damon on our Facebook page on Wednesdays from 1-2pm. 

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