Know Your Role: Why I’m Not Approaching Men Even in 2012

May 25, 2012  |  

In 2012, I believe in gender roles. Yes that supposedly archaic sensibility that says in a relationship the man has his place and the woman has her place. A balance of power should be constructed because there is no such thing as the ‘50-50 relationship.’ There’s a rotating 40-60 sometimes swinging up to 25-75 rotation, but someone always has to take the lead. It’s more a matter of constructing personal gender roles, allowing the man to be the man and the woman to be the woman without diminishing the rights and character of the other.

Which leads to this. As part of my belief in gender roles, I don’t believe as a woman, in approaching men. I’ve done it and occasionally still do it. But I never do it with the anticipation that a genuine relationship will spring forth from this encounter. While other folks have discussed and may feel the contrary, I find that women approaching men skews the balance of the relationship and while there are exemptions to every rule, for the most part this just doesn’t work out. Living in New York City or any city with a large population of Kappas or metrosexual men, you will encounter the ‘come hither’ attitude where the men expect to be approached & chased after with an overflowing pool of educated career women to choose from, The men in turn have to do very little to court. The road to the panties, is a two step street where the second date equals a bang bang boogie. I’m not jumping into the chasing game where I’m always second guessing if a dude is really interested in me because I approached him first or wondering if he just thinks that this will be  an easy ‘smash’ so he’s down for the ride.

Dating is a game. There’s no way to avoid the game. I have tried. In the context of a relationship, women oft have more to lose as we are the more emotionally vulnerable, susceptible to STDs/STIs, are expected to swallow, and have to deal with gestation + popping a whole human being out our nether region. The least a man can do is let you know that he is interested by approaching. Not just dealing with me cause I conveniently fell into his lap.

I have approached men with nothing more then “I just wanted to say hello,” y’all negroes don’t know what to do with yourselves 98% of the time when women do that. I already know your brain signals are screaming “DTF!” and other sexual pejoratives, but y’all need at least 10 seconds to get your faces together cause it’s written all over it. Approaching men, is a personal pet peeve of gender roles. So allow me to list a few others that need nearly not as much explanation. Things that as the woman, though I am totally capable of doing in the context of a relationship will be not being due. You can be the head and I’ll be the neck, let me control the movement.

2. Working the Grill.

I’ll prep and season all the meats in the world, but when it comes to working or “manning” the grill, I ain’t doing it. I definitely know how to light, work and clean a grill, but if there are men standing around, they need to get to it. There’s no intelligent justification to this other than it just is the way it is. And is one of the requirements for any man I marry, he needs to know how to properly work that grill. Daddy Jouelzy can put you on.

3. Defending the Household.

I’m a lover not a fighter with a very big and loud mouth. But when it comes down to it, the man should diffuse or defend the situation. That’s why it’s important not to wife birds, cause then you’ll be in constant trouble, having to defend them. But in all seriousness, this can be the ultimate demise of a relationship. Even if your wife/girlfriend isn’t right, you should have enough stature to step in and diffuse the situation. Ain’t nothing worst then being out with a man, someone accosts you or some irreverent ratchet *ish breaks out and he jumps & runs away without taking you with him. It’s called being a punk.

4. Walking on the outside

Cause it’s all cute and chivalrous. The small things…the small things.

5. Paying for the FIRST date.

Y’all knew it was it coming. Yes, I usually have the expectation that the first three dates are on him. And if I really like him, I’ll cover the tip. But that’s also something that can change depending on circumstances, however the first planned date should be on him. Even if it’s just going for margarita’s at Chipotle, cheap dates can be great dates if played right.

So now that we can all accept that on some level we all feed into gender roles, what are some that you abide by or expect your mate to abide by?

Jouelzy is a professional snarkist who occasionally offers cultural commentary on her blog LetMeTalkMyIsh*. You can also find her on Twitter.

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