Ask a Very Smart Brotha Live: The Cheating Scale & Adult Videos

April 25, 2012  |  
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Sam: What should you do if a man has all of the morals and qualities you look for but he doesnt get your sense of humor or understand some of the vocabulary you use? (I  hope I’m not sounding shallow :/)

DY: I guess the answer to that depends on how much you value the conversation/shared interest aspect of a relationship. For some people, that’s the most important thing. For others, it doesn’t matter that much. I wouldn’t call you shallow for being concerned that your man doesn’t have a $100 vocabulary, but I will ask you to ask yourself if a man not having that really makes that much of a difference in your life.

Jennifer: If sexting is cheating…is going to a strip club cheating? They are both forms of being teased and mentally stimulated?

DY:  It’s funny you ask this today. I was actually just talking to a friend earlier about the “cheating scale.” Basically, some acts of “cheating” aren’t as bad as others — for instance, sexting isn’t as bad as, I don’t know, giving brain to your boyfriend’s brother or something — and you have to structure your reaction to and feelings about those acts in regard to the scale. And, as far as hitting the strip club goes, on a scale from 1 (innocent) to 10 (ochocinco), it rates around 1.5. Going to a club and watching paid performers is much, much, much less intimate (and less damaging) than exchanging private sexual messages with a person you know, and it’s really a tiny blimp on the list of things a woman should really be worried about.

Tonya:  My fiancé still receives random calls from his ex girlfriend’s daughter. Am I wrong for feeling some kind of way about this???

DY: That is kind of bizarre, but if your fiance was with the ex for a while, I can understand how he could have formed a real, loving connection with his ex’s daughter. Honestly, this is a question I can’t really think of a good answer to. Maybe if you give me more background — how long were they together, how old is the ex, why do you feel a certain way about it, etc — I can help you out a bit more

Tonya:  Honestly, that’s about all that I know. He gets defensive when I ask, like I’m drilling him about his past. I guess I’m concerned that the ex is using her daughter to get back “in.”

DY:  Are you worried about him leaving you for the ex?

Tonya:  Not really but, I’ve been burned by a cheater in the past. I’m not trying to make my fiancé pay for it… But at the same time I’m more guarded about what goes on in or around my relationships.

Shadeof: Why are MEN….yes I said MEN so complicated??? It has been said that women are complicated but the older I get I’m starting to realize it’s the men. If you want to know the “truth” about women, all a man has to do is watch a romantic movie! A woman just wants a man to be there 1,000%!

DY:  Since when did “feed me, laugh at my jokes, sleep with me, and don’t sleep with my cousin” become complicated? Seriously though, beneath the man shell, men are…people, people who have fears and plans and quirks and insecurities just like women do. Perhaps feeling like “you can learn about women by watching “The Notebook” is where you’re messing up, because real-life men aren’t going to be like the ones in the movies.


Dea:  What are your thoughts on the THINK LIKE A MAN movie? Should women follow this advice? I could easily relate to the Tariji P. Henson character. I would love your thoughts…

DY:  I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I did read the book. I think Steve Harvey, like me, is just one of many people doling out advice, and it’s up to us to decide which advice best suits our lives. I think some women could follow his advice, but, for other women, his advice wouldn’t be very practical.

Sayno:  If a guy is in the hospital for an extended period is it ok for him to ignore his girl’s need for attention and affection as well as demand that they not be brought up? She is far away and stressed too.

DY:  Depends on what he’s in the hospital for. If it’s an appendectomy, then yeah, he could probably be more attentive. If it’s cancer, then the girlfriend has to stop being a terrible person.

Candace: With regard to the “cheating scale” you mentioned, going to the strip club is still an act of cheating. Although you seemed to have ruled it out as “a tiny blimp on the list of things a woman should really be worried about.” With that said, along with the fact that going to a strip club can be less intimate… My question is how should one feel about their bf of 2yrs+ watchin Adult Videos all the time? Esp if she’s… Let’s say, a 25yr old, very petite mixed woman & the only type of Adult Videos he watches are “mature latinas.” Shouldn’t you feel worried that in some twisted way he wants that in his bed? #Confused

DY: Finding a man who doesn’t watch Adult Videos is like finding the last digit of PI. We know it exists, but it’s going to take decades, eons even, to find it.

Seriously though, Adult Videos are only problematic if it’s impeding on his life. I mean, if he’s ditching work or ditching sex with you to watch them, then yes, you should be concerned. But, if you relationship and his life is normal, try not to worry about the fact he watches Adult Videos, and it consists of curvy latinas. It doesn’t mean he’s not completely attracted to you. We just typically like some variety with our fantasies.

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