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I have too much to deal with right now

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Dear Ashley,

I have been dealing with a guy for a while and encouraged him to get tested and show me a clean bill of health in order for us to have unprotected sex. My tubes are tied, so I won’t have the worry of getting pregnant. In complying with this decision, he propositioned that we only have sex with each other (not an actual relationship) and I obliged. Now, I regret it because he isn’t being consistent and I have a very high sex drive. I get that he has a life outside of sex with me— like work and family— but I was hoping he would make more of an effort in his spare time. To sum it up, my landscaper, who I’ve known for over a decade, has sensed my pheromones in the air and has made several advances. I’m this close to letting him hedge my bushes.

Would it be a breach of contract to get sexually involved with someone else even though we aren’t committed to each other? How do you suggest I approach this situation? Even if I don’t cross that threshold with the landscaper, it’s a good chance that at this rate I’m gonna need my sexual desires fulfilled by someone else. Yes, I self-pleasure, but it isn’t enough. What’s your thoughts?



Dear Tempted,

If the roles were reversed and you found out that your friend with benefits had sex with someone else after the two of you agreed to only have sex with each other, would you be ok with that? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you would probably feel a way about him having sex with other people after making an agreement not to. Not to sound preachy, but do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You need to talk to him about what’s going on. Tell him in order to keep this agreement you’re going to need more sex. Give him the opportunity to fix the issue before you run off and hedge your bushes. Also, coochie commitments are for relationships. Don’t commit your coochie to no man that you’re not in a relationship with. If ya’ll were just casual with no coochie commitment then this wouldn’t even be an issue because you could have sex with the landscaper without guilt. But now, you’ve prematurely committed your coochie to a man who’s not even supplying regular penis—tragic! 

Nonetheless, talk with your friend and let him know what you need from him moving forward. See if he’s willing to meet your needs. If he doesn’t, you can continue to see him, but severe the coochie commitment. The blessing in being single is the opportunity to explore without being committed to anyone. If you’re single, don’t tie your coochie down without being sure that he checks all of your boxes. Also, never commit your coochie again without a title. 


Dear Ashley is a weekly sex column where Sexpert Ashley Cobb answers your intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. Email Ashley at

Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip And Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley

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