Prince William, Anthony Ghnassia
I have said it before and I will say it again—unfavorable relationships with unfavorable men should be left to wither and die. However, many of us love and lust shitty men—so much so, we have made conscious decisions to breathe life into the very thing that does not serve us.
Us is me.
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Recently, I watched entrepreneur and social media influencer Jayda Cheaves and her baby’s daddy rapper Lil Baby, air out their grievances on Instagram—yet again. This isn’t the first time Jayda and Lil Baby’s relationship business has been on front street. In 2020, the rapper was allegedly caught cheating with a dancer. As the story goes, he denied the initial speculation, but once the stripper shared receipts that showed the “Sum 2 Prove” rapper paid her $16,000, he eventually came clean about the birthday sex he engaged in with the woman, costing him his relationship—however—temporarily. Once the news of his infidelity was out in the open, Jayda stepped and focused on co-parenting with the Atlanta rapper. The two gradually found their way back to one another and now, they’ve come full circle with more drama.
In March, Jayda and Lil Baby made several posts (some deleted), detailing yet another issue in their relationship. This time it seems the shoe is on the other foot and in Jayda’s words, the rapper’s “chest hurt.” Based on the post that was reposted by theneighborhoodtalk, Jayda responded to a man’s text and her baby’s daddy wasn’t here for it. The rapper posted a video clip with the caption, “When a MF think they can play with me.” Jayda later clapped back with her own post confirming again what we know, men cannot handle what they dish out to women; “think they can play with you?” “LMFAO you played with me for 6 years straight.”
Per the current digital climate we now live in, the exchange opened the floodgates for public commentary and ridicule.
At age 44, I never imagined I’d be able to relate to a 24-year-old relationship drama—but here I am. I’m also certain that I’m not alone. Jayda and Lil Baby’s on again, off again relationship reminds me a lot of the relationship I had with my children’s father. We maintained an extremely toxic, breakup to makeup relationship that produced two children over the span of seven years. Like Jayda, I took him back after countless encounters with other women, lies, disrespect and embarrassment. Each time I checked out, I clocked back in telling myself that things would get better and they never were. Things got worse because my willingness to return to him time and time again made it abundantly clear to him that I lacked self-worth and that lack fueled a vicious cycle of love and war.
We began as friends with benefits and I became pregnant. It was the first of many reasons I gave myself to be in a relationship with him. Nevermind the fact that he literally bounced back and forth between me and two other women most of our relationship. For starters, I felt I had to so my son would have access to his father at all times and because I wanted more children and they needed to be fathered by the same man. I offered him grace because I needed to cater to my own childhood trauma and parenting fears. Then I told myself I stayed because I loved him but now I can admit, I loved the idea of what his presence in my life was supposed to be, family and stability. Even worse, instead of holding him accountable, walking away and staying away, I misplaced my anger, and directed it towards the other women. I forgave him every time. I assumed that if I showed him love and patience he would do something for me I hadn’t done for myself; love me enough to choose me. You must know that never happened.
My ex was comfortable; he had two beautiful children and 3 women catering to his every need, he had no desire to change. Why would he? I had to love myself enough to walk away and when I finally did, he was sick(literally) and when he pulled up and saw that I was returning from a date, he cried and vomited all over the house we once shared. The wildest part of this episode is that he asked, “how could you do this to us.”
I guess what he was feeling was equivalent to Lil Baby’s chest pain.
Now, I don’t know if Jayda is finally committed to being done, but she should be. I decided to choose me. I was pregnant with my daughter, more self-aware, more confident and I knew I deserved better and I’m all the more better for leaving.
My advice to women and girls is that change begins with you. Life happens, but the moment you accept the fact that you have the power to happen too a shift occurs.
I had contributed to my own mistreatment by offering all those second (and sixth) chances to a man who only offered me penis and problems. I tripped over someone I should have stepped over and while I know this isn’t every woman’s story, I’m sure many can relate. And if we’re being honest, consider all the times you may have allowed a man whom you shouldn’t have given the time of day in a clock shop the opportunity to take up space in your life. If you have ever ignored a man’s bad behavior, had beef with another woman about a man, dumbed yourself down to accommodate a man or given a man unearned credit for having potential, more than likely, you have energized his bad behavior and played yourself too.
Don’t beat yourself up, Sis.
Society teaches women and girls to nurture, love, and pour into the cups of others. We are groomed to be good mothers and lovers to everyone but ourselves. But it’s a new day. We are allowed to disconnect from the Lil Babies of the world. We are allowed to never restore service. We’re allowed to pour into our own damn cups. We’re allowed to groom ourselves into the women we want to be. We are allowed to be mothers and lovers to ourselves.
Give yourself permission, Sis.
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