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Prioritizing pleasure during sex. It seems like the obvious objective, right? I mean, that’s what we’re here for when it comes to the bedroom. But, it’s easier said than done. This is especially true if you’re in a relationship with a man, because they take just five to seven minutes on average to orgasm, according to the National Library of Medicine. So if you plan on finishing during intercourse, the clock is really ticking once you begin.
There are, of course, other ways to reach orgasm, but communication with a partner is key if that’s going to happen. And many women don’t feel comfortable opening up to a partner about what they need in bed. In fact, research out of the journal Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences found that women aren’t that comfortable asking for sex overall, with men initiating sex in heterosexual relationships three times as often as their female partners. It’s time to make some changes so women can finally prioritize pleasure and not feel guilty about it. Here are ways to do just that.
Communicate
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If you’re worried that telling your partner what you need in bed will bruise his ego, think again. Research out of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that men actually feel more desired by their partners when they tell them what they want when it comes to sex. Everybody is different and every body is different, and your partner can’t know what works for you specifically unless you tell him. To really drive the point home, know that Live Science reports that communicating about sex is directly linked to higher sexual satisfaction.
Involve a Toy
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If you’re not involving vibrators in your partner play, then you’re nearly part of the minority at this point. It’s time to jump on that pleasurable bandwagon. Research out of Indiana University found that 53 percent of women ages 18 to 60 use vibrators, and that they’re highly associated with more positive sexual function (aka better sex). There can be fear that a partner will feel intimidated by a toy, but a partner who cares about your pleasure will be willing to give it a try.
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More Clitoral Action
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Your clitoris wants your attention. It demands it! Research out of the American Sociological Association found that clitoral stimulation during intercourse more than doubled a woman’s chances of orgasm. But research has also found that women are far less likely to stimulate their clitoris (or ask a partner to) during casual hookups versus in long-term relationships. Hey, if this is a one-night stand, at the very least an orgasm should come from it. Give your clitoris plenty of love.
Get a Great Lubricant
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Even if your body is able to produce plenty of its own lubricant, super-wet sex is just better. In fact, the journal Sexual and Reproductive Health Matters reports that the use of lube increases pleasure across all genders. The research also reported that discomfort during sex is a top reason that women use lubricant. Women should never be uncomfortable during sex and a good partner will do whatever it takes to prevent that, like use a great lubricant. If you’re curious about the different types, check out this interview we did with a gynecologist on finding the right lube for you.
Connect In Advance
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If you’ve ever been confused at how your partner can be in the mood the moment you walk in the door, but you need a minute, you’re not alone. Research published in Share Care has found that women need to experience desire in order to become aroused. Men just need a little visual stimulation so, yes, the image of you walking in the door looking good can be enough. But if you need a moment to slow down and emotionally connect with your partner before sex, that’s okay. Let him know that.
–And have you visited MADAMENOIRE’s new web series Listen To a Black Woman? The recent interview on the Principles of Pleasure and Sexual Agency for Black women. The cast breaks down their experiences navigating and negotiating pleasure in the bedroom.
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