In this episode of Listen To A Black Woman, Hello Beautiful’s managing editor Shamika Sanders is joined by Chris Miss, Taryn Finley and Jessie Woo to discuss a number of sex-related topics from the use of sex toys to sexual stereotypes.
When it comes to discussions around sex, Sanders says too much of the messaging directed at women is about what they should or shouldn’t do in the bedroom to please their partners. But it’s time to switch up the conversation and speak more about what pleases women. The ladies kick it off by discussing sex toys.
How Men Respond To Sex Toys Says A Lot
Forty-nine percent of couples who use a bedroom toys report better communication compared to those who do not use one, says Sanders and ask this question to the group:
When is it appropriate to introduce sex toys into the bedroom with a partner?
“Right away,” says Chris Miss, adding, “If something works for me and it doesn’t work for you, then we’re not a match.”
Taryn Finley says when it comes to the use of toys — or anything in the bedroom — you need to be comfortable asking for what you want.
Jessie Woo dropped this bomb: she just had her first orgasm last year…with a vibrator. “I had never felt that kind of pleasure before.” Ultimately, Woo says vibrators help both partners get to know their own bodies better.
“Have You Ever Met A Man Intimidated By Sex Toys?”
The ladies discuss men who are intimidated by sex toys — and there are plenty of them.
Miss shares that one time, a guy snatched a sex toy right out of her hand. “That was a red flag,” she says, adding that it was really passive-aggressive because the two never even had a conversation about it.
Finley says there is no shame in wanting to explore your body and if a man tries to shame you for it, then that’s not the man for you.
“Any dude who knows something pleases you and he tries to snatch that from you…that’s not the dude for you,” says Woo.
Ultimately, the women agree that insecurity and fear around sex toys is part of a deeper issue — it’s about communication. And once you get comfortable communicating, you break down emotional barriers and the sex gets better.
When Domination Isn’t Sexy
Men prohibiting their partners goes beyond a pleasure problem: it’s about control.
Woo says that when men aren’t comfortable with their partners using sex toys, it’s often because they aren’t sexually free and for that reason, they don’t want their partners to be sexually free, either.
“Are our men prioritizing our pleasure? If not, they’re trying to dominate me,” says Miss.
“The point is,” says Finley, “We as black women deserve amazing sex.”
Myths About Black Women In The Bedroom
Taking Back Sexual Agency
Millennial and Gen Z women exercising sexual agency. Sanders asks the group why that is.
The ladies all agree that Black female rappers have helped women move forward in this area. They speak so openly about their sexuality and are confident about it.
Sanders also notes that women are simply more empowered, overall now. Women don’t need men for most things anymore — from paying bills to having sex — so they feel freer to explore their bodies on their own time.