Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Trying Not to Hate Him & Saving It

January 11, 2012  |  

Dear Smart Brotha,
I am a 22 year old female who is smart, ambitious, an intellectual and I am also a virgin. I was conflicted after first parting ways with my now ex boyfriend of two months who had decided to convert our relationship into a causal friendship. But before parting ways he had some friendly advice for me, he suggested that I not have sex until I was ready and not feel pressured to have sex by anyone including him.

But my confusion began when he suggested that I wait until marriage to have sex… the thought going through my mind was (Really? This fool must be outside his mind)…. “Do black people actually believe in waiting until marriage to have sex?” All of the women I know (black, white , and etc) didn’t wait until marriage to have sex . But I knew deep down that he had the best intentions and he meant no real harm by his advice as hypocritical as it sounded. I knew that he must have had some remorse for me.  Just the same… isn’t it a cultural taboo to wait until marriage to have sex?

My intentions were to find a decent men off the list every young woman has created since she knew how to write. He would have to be: 1. attractive 2. have a good personality 3. good job 4.  good priorities ..etc but I have gotten the bottom of the barrel kinda brothas that no woman ever wants to take to meet their moms. (Laugh out loud.) I know as a black young woman I have the odds stacked against me, the statistics of black women to black men are 4 to 1 … that means for everyone one black man there are four black women not to mention all the other races who love black men. But if I do find me a decent enough man and who is willing to wait I know there are 3 other women waiting in line to pick up any of my slack.

But really, be honest with me. Am I being foolish for waiting on the right one who will respect me and be willing to wait as long as it takes for me to feel comfortable with them before having sex. I have been through a lot of men in a year and a half and none, I mean none, have panned out. Sex till marriage seem fictitious and love then sex seem like a fantasy. But what really sinks my battle ship is when I meet guys and I am honest with them and I tell them that I am a virgin. They say ‘wow’ that’s great or that’s interesting or something like that but none of them were willing to wait for me or even build a healthy relationship with me without sex.

I wanna be smart about this. Am I being unrealistic, or is it that I am still stuck in my fantasy that real love is out there for everyone? I believe that some good men are out there but they are either gay or already taken. I wrote this to you for your unbiased opinion and your honesty about my situation but we both know that in the end the choice about how I will handle my situation is my decision to make alone .

Thank you again Smart Brotha for all your great advice.


Emotionally Conflicted


Dear Emotionally Conflicted,

Oh Emo (Can I call you “Emo?” Cool. Thanks). So much to address in this letter, and so little time. Before we even begin, I have to say that there were a ton of little things in this letter (you actually typing laugh out loud instead of LOL, saying things like “what really sinks my battle ship,” etc) that made me chuckle. And, since you got me chuckling, I like you.

And, since I like you, I’m going to need you to stop throwing out those arbitrary and inane “facts” like “all good guys are either gay or dating a Kardashian” because they’re 1) silly and 2) self-defeatist. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you believe that there are no good men out there, you’re not going to find any good men.

Anyway, if it’s “foolish” to wait for the right person before you decide to have sex, the world would be a much better place if we all were so dumb. Yes, most of the guys you meet are going to want to sleep with you and may decide to venture elsewhere when learning your virgin status. And yes, some people may think you’re a weirdo for waiting. But, don’t let the world determine who you sleep with and when you sleep with them.

If you want to wait until marriage, fine. If you want to wait until you’re in love, fine. Shyte, if you want to do it tonight, fine. Just know that the only bad decision you can make regarding this is to do it before you’re ready to and 100% comfortable with the person you’re thinking about sleeping with. You’re not “stuck in a fantasy world.” Actually, most of the “real world” is stuck in the fantasy that we’re built to be able to have meaningless sex with each other. And, to be perfectly honest, the longer I live, the more appealing your “fairy tale” mindset really sounds.


Damon Young (aka The Champ)

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at

Want relationship advice from a Very Smart Brotha? Submit questions to Put “Ask a Very Smart Brotha” in the subject line. Check the site every Wednesday to see if your question was selected!

More on Madame Noire!


Trending on MadameNoire

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN