Not that there is anything inherently funny about COVID-19. It’s an absolutely horrific virus that’s ravaging our nation. However, I can’t help but notice how we talk, whisper, fret, and gossip about it much like we talk about something else: sexually transmitted diseases. The coronavirus is like the new STD. Everybody wants to know who has it and who doesn’t. If you get it, people start interrogating you about where you’ve been and who you’ve seen, assuming your own lack of responsibility brought it upon you. It’s so easily passed from one person to another through physical contact. We even fear we can get it by touching a surface that an infected person touched—much like we have wrongfully assumed we could contract certain STDs by touching a surface with whom someone with herpes or human papillomavirus interacted. Colleges have had to shut down because the stacked conditions with kids sleeping on top of each other (and with each other) and drinking from the same beer bong made it spread like wildlife. Hmmm. Sure does sound a lot like certain STDs! I know that I’ve become paranoid. I’m visiting my fiance’s mother right now and it’s her birthday. She’d like to have five people on the patio for a social distancing dinner. Meanwhile, I’d like a detailed list of where all of those people have been in the last month and who they’ve seen. You’d swear I was going to sleep with them. Here are ways we treat COVID-19 like an STD.
We demand test results
We want to see those test results, baby! We want everyone to be tested. We want to know the test results of others. We question the validity of the results, as there can be false negatives, much like with STDs. We worry that the person got tested too soon after interaction with the virus, and that it hasn’t yet shown up in their system—but will. Just like can happen with STD tests.