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No one has the ability to cut you deeper than those who are the closest to you, which is why family feuds can get especially bitter. Rifts can often lead to families being divided for months, years, or even decades. Families fall out with one another for all sorts of reasons, but in the end, keeping the beef going comes down to whether or not you believe the point of contention is worth losing loved ones over. In many cases, the answer is no. If you’re thinking about mending fences with an estranged loved one, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Accept that some people will never truly change

The majority of people don’t change. While change is not impossible, for a person to truly change their ways, they have to be committed to doing the necessary self-work and many aren’t willing to make this commitment. When you agree to mend a family feud, you are ultimately accepting that your relatives will probably continue to be the same people who they were when the feud started, but you’re choosing to move forward as a family anyway. That said, this doesn’t mean you’re required to accept mistreatment or hurtful behavior.

It’s helpful to consider the other side

You may have been hurt by what happened, but consider the other party’s perspective as well. Consider what role you played in the conflict and think about how your actions and words may have hurt others as well. There are two sides to every story and in order to move forward in a healthy way, it’s helpful to have empathy for your loved ones.

Remember that forgiveness is for you — not the other person

While apologies are nice, forgiveness is more beneficial to you than it is to the person who has wronged you. Harboring resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness is exhausting. As you resolve to forgive those who have wronged you, remember that it’s more about you letting go of those negative feelings than it is about the other person. With this in mind, you should definitely work through your feelings about the situation and express those feelings thoroughly before trying to forgive.

You can’t move forward if you keep bringing up the past

Once you have talked things through with your family and everyone has agreed to move forward, you have to actually let go of what happened. It doesn’t mean that you forget, but it’s impossible to move forward if you’re still bringing up the past and holding things over people.

Remember why you’ve committed to mending fences

There’s a reason why you have a desire to end the feud. Perhaps you miss the way that things were or you realized that life is short and you don’t want to miss out on any more valuable time with loved ones due to petty feuds. Whatever the reason, keep that in the forefront of your mind as you do the difficult work of mending fences.

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