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We often talk about ridding our lives of toxic people and guarding ourselves against loved ones who exude toxic behavior. However, it’s also important to take a step back and recognize our own problematic habits and the role we play when it comes to conflict in our relationships. Self-work isn’t easy, and pinpointing your personal faults requires an immense level of honesty and self-awareness, but if you’re committed to having better relationships with those around you then it’s worth the painful effort. Below are a few ways to get started.
Hear people out when they say you’ve hurt them
The easiest way to learn more about the way that your behavior impacts others is to listen to them when they attempt to express how you make them feel. It’s easy to listen to the great things that others have to say about you, but what about the things that make you uncomfortable? Often times, when people tell us that we’ve hurt or offended them, we are quick to go into defense mode. Instead, try to have an open mind and listen to understand as opposed to listening to respond.
Take inventory of your natural reaction to other people’s pain
Individuals with toxic characteristics are known to minimize and gloss over the pain of others. Although you may not feel that you’re a person who tries to shut down others when they express pain, pay attention to what your knee-jerk reaction is. Are you quick to recite cliches such as “This too shall pass” and “You’ll be alright”? Do you send Bible scriptures without context and make empty declarations of support such as “I’m here if you need me” without actually being there? While all of these reactions sound like the right thing to do, they can come off as disingenuous to the grieving person on the receiving end.
Consider the ways in which you express hurt or anger
How do you react when someone has upset you? Do you fly into a rage? Do you handle the situation by being passive-aggressive and making snark comments? Do you dismiss people for a period of time without explanation? All of the aforementioned reactions can be considered toxic when doled out frequently. Instead of relying on these tactics to punish those who have hurt you, work towards having calm and direct conversations in which you address how a loved one has hurt you.
Monitor your tendency to be critical of others
Are you quick to pass harsh judgment on others? When you come in contact with loved ones, are the first words that leave your mouth critical? Do you have a tendency to pick at people you care about under the guise of tough love? Stop it. Immediately. You make people feel bad. Practice building a 5 to 10-second pause into your conversations. Ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say helpful? How will this make my loved one feel? What would be the harm in keeping this comment to myself?”
Reflect on how you’re dealing with personal trauma
Hurt people who have not properly dealt with their trauma have a tendency to inflict pain on others as a means of coping. If you’ve had a deeply distressing emotional or physical experience during childhood or adulthood for which you have not sought professional, consider doing so. Oftentimes we are under the impression that we have dealt with and healed from incidences from the past when we have not. There is no shame in sitting down with a qualified professional to talk through your past and begin the journey towards becoming a better person.
