Why You Shouldn’t Put Off That Argument

September 9, 2019  |  
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conflict resolution strategies

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Having an argument with a person you like or love is obviously never fun. And I mean really having it: hashing it out, saying what you need to say, speaking hard truths, and truly having a confrontation. Confrontation is uncomfortable. If you aren’t great at conflict resolution, then perhaps you do whatever you can to get out of having an argument. You tell yourself that you’re not actually mad. But then why have you been lashing out at that person and giving her the cold shoulder? You tell yourself that you’ll just get over it. But then, why again have you not gotten over it after several months now? If someone hurts you or upsets you, the only way to get past it is to go through the argument. Here are reasons to stop procrastinating that argument.

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The other person is probably clueless

The other person is very likely clueless to the fact that she upset you. Most people go through life doing what they think is the right thing, and not thinking of all the ways they may have accidentally upset someone. If you don’t tell this person, she’ll never know what’s going on.

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So you’re perceived as mean for nothing

Since you won’t tell this person she upset you, she thinks you’ve just been a real b*tch for nothing. And you have been. You’ve been making little passive aggressive comments and not being your usual self to her. So, she thinks your personality just got worse.

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There are misunderstandings

There really are two sides to every story and I can almost promise you that a large part of the reason you’re upset is all a misunderstanding. You should always give someone a chance to tell her side of the story because you may realize all of your anger and frustration was caused by a little, tiny accident.

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So you could be upset for nothing

If this is all a misunderstanding, then you’re just upset for nothing. You’re stomping around, being mean, and holding onto all of this anger for nothing.

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You’re wasting precious time

Is this a relationship you want to keep in your life? Whomever you’re upset with: do you want to just end the relationship? Probably not. So, it’s a relationship you hope to enjoy more of. And if that’s true, then you’re just wasting time by staying upset. You could get back to enjoying that relationship.

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Why are you punishing someone you love?

Do you love this person? I mean, really: do you hope for good things for him? If you answered yes, then why are you punishing him? That is what you’re doing, after all, by holding a grudge.

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Don’t you hate it when the tables are turned?

When the tables have been turned, and someone was clearly upset with you and not telling you why, didn’t it drive you nuts? Didn’t it, in fact, cause you to lose a little respect for that person? She had all of the communication tools to just tell you what was up, but she wasn’t using them.

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It’s a form of respect

Telling someone she wronged you is actually a form of respect. It’s a way of saying, “I believe you’re smart enough to understand what you did and I believe you’re mature enough to apologize. I also care about this relationship enough to give you feedback.”

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Holding onto anger is bad for you

Holding onto anger isn’t doing you any good, either. I bet your frown lines have increased. Just look in the mirror. You’ve been grimacing, thinking about your anger, without even realizing it. And you likely aren’t sleeping very well, either.

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It’s causing more fights

While you’re upset with this person, you’re doing other things that could lead to even more fights. Because you’re angry, you’re doing things like…not inviting this person to social events you’d usually invite her to and making little nasty comments. These are actions that will only rack up more fights to be had.

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You might agree to disagree

For the record, if you do sit down and have this fight, you may just agree to disagree. And that’s okay. At least then, you can move on from this. You can figure out what your relationship is like—what’s the new status quo—having confronted this issue. Things will feel more peaceful and sustainable then.

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Holding a grudge is also immature

Holding a grudge, and not just confronting an issue, is rather immature. Yes, you feel you were wronged. You feel there has been an injustice. But part of being an adult is addressing those injustices, rather than just stomping our feet like toddlers throwing tantrums.

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You’re building it up to be worse

The longer you wait to address the issue, the worse it will seem in your head. You’ll change the story in your memory. You’ll blow things up and distort them. You’ll begin to villainize this person, who may have not meant to do anything wrong.

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Few things are done with bad intent

The truth is that, most people are mostly good. Most people do not want to hurt other people. So, there is a very good chance that if you told this person she hurt you, she’d immediately apologize for making you feel that way, and tell you she had no idea.

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You’re annoying your other friends

Honestly, you’re probably driving everyone else in your life crazy because you’re talking to everyone but the person you’re angry with about the person you’re angry with.

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