What To Expect When He Moves For Your Job

August 7, 2019  |  
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moving for work and relationships

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When your partner moves because you got a new job in a new city where he has little career prospects, it’s a big deal. It’s a huge deal, actually. It means that you two decided that your career was either A) more important or B) more promising than his. That’s a hard hit for a man’s ego to take. If your partner was able to admit that you’re just killing it and that it was essential you two make this move, hug him every day. That’s a supportive partner. He had to swallow the reality pill that he hadn’t really planted enough professional roots in your previous city to make it worth staying there. It’s wonderful to bring a loving partner on your new adventure, but you do have to take into account the fact that he turned his life upside down. Here is what to expect when your partner moves for your job.

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He’ll lean on you socially

You have the built-in social life through your new coworkers. They invite you to happy hours and softball leagues. Your partner doesn’t have that, so he’ll lean on you socially for a while. It’s going to take him some time to rebuild his own group of friends and his own life, separate from yours.

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His friends will be mad at you

His friends in your previous city will be angry with you. Of course they will. You stole their friend! Any time they visit you or you visit them, you’ll hear about it. There will be little passive aggressive comments all night about you taking their buddy away.

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His family may be mad at you

If his family lived in the previous town, they will be upset with you. Perhaps openly so. You stole their baby from them. So now you may even have their grandchildren far away from them. This can be a real point of tension between you and the in-laws.

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You’ll be invested in his job search

His job search will be your job search. You can’t feel at ease until he gets a job. You know he won’t start to relax until he gets a job there. And you caused his unemployment, in a way, so you’re spending just as much time looking at jobs as he is. You’re right by his side at that laptop, helping him with applications.

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You keep trying to sell him on the city

You feel like you work on the tourism board for this city sometimes, the way you keep talking it up. You really want your partner to like it, so you’re constantly talking about all of the great attributes it has.

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Every day he’s jobless, you panic

You feel a clock ticking. You feel his stress rising, every day that passes that he doesn’t have a job. Meanwhile, you have to act calm and collected. You have to act like you know he’ll get a job any day now so he doesn’t panic. Panic isn’t good for job interviews.

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You’re annoyed if he isn’t looking

You can’t help but feel annoyed if you notice your partner taking a day or two off from the job search. You need him, so badly, to start building a life here so he can be happy here and so you can stop feeling guilty.

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You feel pressure to kill it at work

You did both move here for your career—both of you—so the pressure to kill it at this job has doubled. If it were just you, there would still be pressure, but now you’ve roped somebody else’s life into it. You don’t even want him to know of the days you make mistakes.

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You feel pressure to be happy every day

You also feel pressure to be happy here every day. You feel like if you complain about the city or the job, your partner will feel like so I moved here for you and YOU don’t even like it?! You can’t even really vent about your work or the new home.

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You pay for a lot

You feel bad that you’re the reason your partner isn’t making any income at the moment, so you insist on paying for more things like dinners out and movie nights. He doesn’t like this—it’s hard on men, sometimes, when their partners are making more or are the only earners.

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You’ll check on him constantly

You almost feel like you have a child. You check on your partner throughout the day. You just want to make sure he doesn’t sound depressed, that he’s being productive, and that he’s keeping himself busy and happy in some way. He feels you worrying about him, and that makes him feel bad.

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You fear he’ll regret the choice

You often worry that your partner will regret this choice. You always knew he loved you, but now the question exists: does he love me enough to feel that leaving his home was worth it? That’s a lot of pressure.

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People either think he’s supportive

Many people think it’s wonderful that your partner was willing to uproot his life, all so that you could pursue your goals and you two could remain together. Many people think that’s very feminist of him—very progressive of him. He’s a stay at home partner for now, so you can thrive.

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Or, they take the misogynistic approach

Then there are those who take the old-school misogynistic approach. They say things like, “I’d never quit my job for a partner. How can a man just not work while his partner does?”

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You’re pitching him to everyone

You’re constantly selling your partner to people—professionally, I mean. You look for opportunities for him everywhere. You’re gathering business cards for him. For the time being, until he gets a job, you feel like you’re his manager, trying to get him gigs.

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