Why Talking About Your Relationship A Lot Is A Bad Sign

August 2, 2019  |  
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healthy relationship advice

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Do you find yourself spending most of your time with friends talking about your relationship? Well, more specifically complaining about your relationship and analyzing it? If so, I’ve got some bad news: that’s not good. That’s not—I don’t want to say normal but—normal. At least, it isn’t healthy. A solid, healthy relationship doesn’t require that much analysis. It should be self-sustaining and eventually on autopilot. Sure, all relationships will require a bit of maintenance from time to time, but keeping them stable shouldn’t feel like full-time jobs, every day. If you’re constantly talking to others about your relationship—about how to fix it or keep it going—then something is amiss there. Here is why it’s a bad sign if you’re talking a lot to other people about your relationship.

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There are either a lot of problems

If you have to talk about it that much because there are just that many problems, well, that can’t be good. If your relationship is so tumultuous that it makes up the majority of your conversation with others, it must be hanging on by a thread. And perhaps, it’s just not right.

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Or you fabricate issues

Maybe there aren’t really a lot of problems but you find problems. Why is that? If you feel the need to fabricate issues and see problems that really aren’t there, that’s a form of self-sabotage. And you have to wonder why you do that. Are you perhaps self-sabotaging your relationship?

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Either way, they monopolize your thoughts

Nonetheless, whether the issues are real or not, if you talk about them constantly, then that means they monopolize your thoughts. That isn’t good. Your romantic relationship shouldn’t consume your thoughts. It should feel stable enough that you can just not think about it, so you can focus on other things like work or family.

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He isn’t easy to talk to

If you’re talking to others about your relationship, it could be because your partner isn’t easy to talk to. Maybe he tells you you’re being too difficult when you just try to bring up one small issue. That’s not good—your partner should want to talk things out with you.

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Or you “don’t want to fight”

Or perhaps it is you who doesn’t want to talk to your partner. Maybe you think that fighting in a relationship is always bad, and that you should work all issues out outside the relationship. But that simply isn’t sustainable or healthy. Only you and your partner know what’s best for you and your partner.

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You need outsider input too much

Speaking of the last point, if you just require everyone else’s opinion in order to move forward in life, that isn’t good, either. You should trust your own judgment enough to not take a poll on what everyone else thinks before making a decision. You should know what you want to say to your partner, all on your own.

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If it isn’t one thing, it’s another

If you’re talking about your relationship constantly, it could be because there is always some new issue. Sure, you resolved the last one last time you spoke to your friends, but since then, there’s a new problem. If your relationship can’t go a few days without a new big issue, it’s probably the wrong relationship.

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Or it’s been the same thing this whole time

On the other hand, have you been debating the same old issue this whole time? That’s almost worse. If you and your partner cannot come to some resolution on a problem you’ve been tackling for weeks or months or years, you’re definitely in the wrong relationship.

 

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It’s your only way to bond with people

Perhaps you complain to others about your relationship because it’s a form of bonding for you. Your friends complain about their relationships and, in order to feel included, you do, too. What I’ll say about that is that, if your friends care about you, they won’t want you to be unhappy in your relationship. They won’t need to commiserate to feel close.

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You keep choosing the wrong person

Maybe you haven’t been complaining about the same relationship forever, but whatever relationship you’re in this month. If each new relationship still seems to require so much discussion and analysis, you probably are repeating patterns—you keep choosing the wrong people to date.

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You aren’t making necessary changes

And if you are complaining about the same relationship for months or years, then you may not be making the necessary changes. If it’s you who has to make some changes in order to make the relationship work, but you’re still fighting with your guy constantly, you haven’t made those changes.

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It creates distance because it’s a secret

The more you talk to others about your relationship, the more secrets you have from your partner. Each of those conversations is a secret—you aren’t telling him about them, right? Having secrets from your partner inherently creates a feeling of distance.

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Your friends doubt your relationship

The more you complain about your relationship, the more your friends doubt the validity of it. They’ll start to feel that relationship isn’t going anywhere, and invest less and less into the conversations.

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Their doubt gets in your head

Once you start to feel your friends losing hope for your relationship, that will get in your head. You will lose hope, too. Things will become blurry. You won’t know what you really feel, or what your friends are just projecting onto you.

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There’s so much more to talk about

There are also just so many more wonderful, important, enriching things to talk about than your relationship. If you’re in such a turbulent relationship that it’s all you talk about, that relationship is robbing you of great conversation.

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