False Ideas About Love That Are Standing In Your Way Of It

May 9, 2019  |  
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high expectations dating

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Sometimes, the unrealistic, sort of movie-level expectations my single friends have of what love or meeting “the one” should feel like really frustrate me. I try not to get too aggravated with them because the truth is that I know I had similar ideas seven to ten years ago. In fact, I remember having a great date with a guy—the conversation was incredible and there definitely felt like there was a connection there—and then getting so upset that, when he took me to a party after that, he didn’t stick by my side. He talked to other people. I thought, “If we were connected, he’d want to stay by my side the rest of the night! He wouldn’t be able to pull himself away from me!” I dramatically exited, without saying goodbye, and texted him, “You know why.” I’m sure now that…he did not know why. But I had my ideas, and that didn’t live up to those ideas. Here are misconceptions about love that are standing in your way of it.

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There will be instant sparks

You may think that when you meet someone you’re supposed to be with, you’ll feel instant sparks. It will be so obvious that the connection you have with this person is distinctly different and more intense than that with anyone else in the room. It will feel like an undeniable force.

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Sparks are misleading

Many of the happiest couples I know did not say it was “love at first sight.” They say they met, thought the other was perfectly nice, and had several more interactions—getting to know each other better—before realizing this was someone they could really be happy spending lots of time with. On the flip side, they also said they dated plenty of people with whom there was that initial spark—and it turned out that spark was just indicative of the crashing and burning to come.

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You’ll be a likely pair

Whether you’re very similar or a clear and adorable opposites-attract thing, you may believe you’ll be a likely pair—the way we see pairs in films. Maybe you’re quirky and wild and he’s more straight-laced. Or, perhaps you’re both adorable nerds. But you believe that others would look at you two and say, “That makes sense.”

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Don’t look from the outside in

Focusing on how the world (or the writers of some screenplay) would see you as a likely or unlikely pair will really stand in your way of seeing how you really feel about someone. It also puts you in a place to stereotype and make assumptions. What do you really know about a man by first looking at him? Or from just a five-minute conversation? He may not even fall into the trope you believe he does.

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You won’t argue until much later

If you have a disagreement with a man upon first meeting him—or maybe on date two or three—you may just call it quits. You might think, “Things should go very smoothly in the beginning stages of my relationship with the one.”

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You have separate brains

You could very well get into a heated dispute on a first or second date with the man whom you wind up marrying. You are still two different people. And, when you’re just getting to know each other, you don’t have the context or backstory to really understand where someone is coming from when he puts forward a different opinion than yours. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy or not the one. If everything’s been lovely and fun otherwise, give it another chance.

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You’ll find him instantly attractive

You believe that this guy will stand out to you—almost as if there’s some orb of light shining around him. You believe that, to you, he will look undeniably hot/handsome/cute.

 

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Attractiveness builds

How many times have you met a man who, at first glance, you thought was gorgeous, and whom you later found pretty unattractive because of his personality? Suddenly, you could swear that perfectly square jaw was misshapen. On the flip side, someone you don’t see as necessarily gorgeous may become that way, in your eyes, when you get to know him. And when someone’s personality makes him attractive, that’s a more permanent type of attractiveness.

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There will be witty banter

Ah yes, but of course. You’ll banter back and forth like two characters in a rom com. You’ll both be charmingly clever and funny, and the conversation will just flow. You’ll understand each other’s quips, instantly.

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Yeah…that rarely happens

You may exchange a few jokes that work out, but you may stumble after that. Your souls did not, sadly, meet in some previous life and already completely understand one another’s unspoken languages. You’re still two total strangers who may misunderstand each other a little and require explaining.

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You should feel addicted to him right away

You want to think that, when you meet your person, you will feel addicted to each other right away. You’ll both want to see and speak to each other constantly. The feeling will be intense and it will be mutual. You’ll be inseparable from the day you meet.

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Mature people need space and time

It’s really not healthy to just run off into the sunset with someone, shack up with him for weeks, ditch your friends and responsibilities, and just go from zero to 100 on this relationship. That’s not a real taste of what this relationship will be like in real life. And, furthermore, your person may not even want to move that fast—he may not be attracted to that speed—and that’s not a bad thing.

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The sex should be amazing

It should feel the way sex looks on the screen—seamless, smooth, passionate, lost-in-the-moment, bodies-become-one kind of thing, right?

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The first sex is often the worst sex

Your bodies don’t know one another yet, at all. He doesn’t know what buttons to push. He doesn’t know your angle. You don’t know his. And, you’re both still insecure since you haven’t known each other long so you don’t get lost in the moment—you’re very in your heads, rather. That doesn’t mean it can’t become great.

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Just go with your gut

If you had a good feeling about someone and like the idea of seeing him again, then do. Don’t focus on all of these movie moments that you think you should happen when you meet your person. Most real-life love stories are clunky and oddly-paced.

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