The Struggles Of A 30-Year-Old Virgin

April 9, 2019  |  
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30 year old virgin woman

Source: Eric Raptosh Photography / Getty

A friend of mine just turned 31 and just lost her virginity. I remember meeting her in college, as a sophomore, and thinking that back then her virginity was shocking. We were only 19 but I, like many of my friends, had given away that V-card around age 16 so I felt very wise and experienced at that point. I figured it would definitely happen for this friend during college. I knew a lot of cases of people graduating high school as virgins, and just finally doing the deed in college. But she didn’t. And then every year of her twenties passed and still nothing. I did feel bad for her because, she didn’t have the luxury I did at age 16 of not realizing what duds most men are and how so few of them deserve to sleep with me. I gave my V-card away when I was still naïve enough to think that guy deserved it. But my friend outgrew that stage, and became smart enough to realize most guys aren’t worth sleeping with. So, 30 came and went, and she was still a virgin. These are the struggles she shared with me.


It’s too much pressure for some men

A lot of men who really liked her simply wouldn’t date her because her virginity put too much pressure on them. They didn’t want to be her first experience with sex. They worried she had too much build-up in her head about it. Or, they worried she’d become too attached. They’d cut bait the second they learned she was a virgin.


And a fetish for others

On the flip side, some men liked her more because she was a virgin. She found that response pretty gross. She really didn’t want her virginity to factor into how much a man did or didn’t like her.


People are too fascinated

When the word would get out in social situations, it became the only thing people talked about for the next half hour—easily. People were obsessed with this information and would smother her with questions and unsolicited advice.


Everyone has an opinion on it

Everybody had an opinion on her virginity. Everyone assumed they knew why she was still a virgin, or assumed what she must have been feeling about the prospect of losing her virginity. It was something everyone loved to philosophize and theorize over.


It’s a burden of a secret

When my friend would go on dates, she felt like if she didn’t tell the guys relatively quickly that she was a virgin, she was lying to them. There was always that question—when do I tell them?—hovering over her head.


You don’t even want it to be a secret

She didn’t even necessarily want it to be a secret, in the common sense of the word. She wasn’t trying to lie to them by not telling them, but just based on how she knew they’d feel when they found out, she couldn’t help but feel it was a lie not to tell them.


People blame your virginity for your behavior

My friend used to get very frustrated because everyone would blame her behavior on her virginity. If she were cranky, people would say it was because she just needed to get laid. If she were really sensitive, people would say it was because she was a virgin. She couldn’t get any genuine credit for her emotions.


Friends tell your date setups

Some of her well-meaning friends would set her up on dates, but they would tell the guys she was a virgin. They, also, felt dishonest not mentioning it. But she felt like that wasn’t their information to share.


You’re either told you’re missing out

There are two common reactions people had to her virginity, and the first one was this: “You’re missing out.” People loved to tell her to just get it over with because sex is amazing and she should be having it.


Or you’re told you aren’t missing anything

The other common reaction was this: “You’re not missing much.” This wasn’t a very helpful comment either, since she did, eventually, want to start having sex and wanted to be hopeful about the experience. I told her a healthy hybrid: that it’s great when it’s with the right person, but that she’d also have some mediocre sex in her life.


You contemplate just not telling the first guy

It always crossed my friend’s mind to just not mention the whole virginity thing to the first guy she slept with. She didn’t want all that pressure there. But, she also figured he might be able to, well, tell.


But, he could then feel trapped

She ultimately decided she would tell the first guy she slept with. She just knew if he found out he was her first, after the fact, that he’d feel lied to and it could ruin the chances of a relationship.


Your parents worry for nothing

She didn’t tell her parents she was a virgin. They assumed she’d handled that a long time ago, and so they spoke to her as if she were a woman who was having sex. They’d make little comments about not getting pregnant or sleeping with strange men, and she’d just laugh because there was zero risk of that.


People keep checking in

One of the first questions friends would ask when they hadn’t caught up in a while was, “Are you still a virgin?” When going to see someone she hadn’t seen in months, she knew this question was coming and felt embarrassed that the answer hadn’t changed.


When it happens, it’ll be a huge deal

She always knew that, when it did happen, it would be a huge deal amongst her friends. Everybody would want every detail. It would feel like her experience was under a microscope.

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