How Unaddressed Insecurities Ruin Relationships

March 13, 2019  |  
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insecurities about yourself

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Do you know someone who just can’t seem to settle down, but is also always in a relationship? They’re just in relationships that don’t work out. Every relationship goes far though, and quickly. This person moves in with someone just two months into dating, gets engaged to just about everyone with whom she gets involved, and has even been married (and divorced) more than once by a young age. Is that person possibly…you? I’ve known a lot of people like this and I’ve found one thing they all had in common: severe insecurity. They wouldn’t admit it, of course, but I saw the patterns. When their ego would be at risk, that’s when they would act out. There was a strong correlation between feeling rejected (aka having those insecurities triggered) and doing something impulsive or even irresponsible. It’s a coping method, but it’s not a good one. Here are ways unaddressed insecurities can ruin your relationships.

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You don’t allow for other priorities

You can’t accept that your partner has other priorities that are as or nearly important to him as you are. These could include his family, friends, career, or volunteer work. Rather than admire his love of these things, you see them as direct competition for his attention.

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You lash out when you want attention

When you feel you don’t have your partner’s full attention, you lash out. You could do this in a number of ways like planning a spontaneous one-month trip…without him. Or getting a tattoo of something he knows pertains to your ex boyfriend. You do something erratic and problematic to get the attention you want.

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You verge on cheating when you need attention

Or, when you aren’t getting enough attention from your partner, you simply seek it elsewhere. Translation: you engage in inappropriate texting with other men, and do things akin to emotional cheating. You feel panicked and unsettled without the constant attention of men.

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You take everything personally

If your partner forgets to invite you to a not-even-important, tiny work party or neglects to introduce you to someone he runs into in the grocery store, you immediately take it personally. And, again, you lash out. You start making passive aggressive comments. You start withholding affection. You never simply ask why he did it.

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You tire of partners quickly

You grow tired of partners quickly. But when a partner is new, he’s like your shiny, brand new, exciting toy. He’s at first your obsession, and later, tossed aside like an old toy. Your affection for someone never grows at a healthy, natural pace.

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You can’t be a support system

The moment your partner goes through something difficult—illness, loss of a job—that requires all attention be on him, you lose interest in the relationship. Your relationship is, in your eyes, meant to be your source of receiving attention. So when it becomes anything other than that, you walk away.

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You seek revenge instead of solutions

If your partner does something that upsets you, your first reaction is to seek revenge. Your ego is so fragile that that’s just your reaction. You don’t do the emotionally mature thing of talking it out with your partner.

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You never admit when you’re hurt

You never let your partners know when they’ve hurt your feelings or let you down. That would mean giving them power and letting them know they have influence over your emotions.

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The relationship isn’t your priority

Even though you demand to be your partner’s top priority, he isn’t yours. Well, he is, until he gives you less than 100 percent attention. Then, anything that will give you a lot of attention (like a flirty coworker or social media selfies) becomes your top priority.

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You’ll choose money/status/fame first

You have lost a lot of relationships because you put money, status, or fame first. You always choose the high-profile events over a night in with your partner. You develop friendships with bad people, all because they can elevate your status, and then your partner doesn’t want to be around anymore.

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You choose difficult and demanding partners

You choose highly critical partners. They withhold compliments but give out critiques generously. You always feel as if you’re pursuing their approval even though you’re dating.

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You’re superficial in your choices

You could never be with someone of whom others wouldn’t approve. In fact, you solely want partners that would make other people jealous of you. You wouldn’t entertain the idea of being with a man who was less-than conventionally handsome or a man who had absolutely no notoriety around town, even if you had a connection.

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You can’t let your partners feel needed

You don’t turn to your partners when you need emotional support or any kind of help. This, again, would be admitting weakness and that you can’t do everything on your own.

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All words go through a filter

The words you speak to your partner are highly filtered and edited. Conversations with him are anything but free, fluid, and free of judgment. You’re always aware of the way you come off. It’s your way of maintaining control.

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You run from pain rather than pursue joy

Your modus operandi is to avoid pain rather than pursue joy. You make decisions based on the goal of running from discomfort, humiliation, and insecurity-provocation rather than the goal of seeking joy and warmth.

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