You Can’t Rush Love Or The Loss Of It
When I first thought about heartbreak, I immediately searched the crevices of my brain to think of the saddest moments in love I’ve experienced. I thought about all of the breakups, all of the moments of unrequited love, all the suffering endured knowing that things wouldn’t turn out the way I planned them to.
But I don’t think I ever considered the heartbreak of not experiencing a love story. The agony of being separated from the one you love, for a variety of reasons: distance, circumstance, tragedy. All the things our parents didn’t necessarily warn us about. I don’t think any of us are ever prepared to have our hearts broken. I often wonder if it’s different for all of us, or if parts of this story are the same.
There are stages of heartbreak. The initial shock and surprise that this person is no longer your ‘person’ can wreck the very foundation of your being. The journey you thought you were going on together, is now over, whether you want it to be or not. You try to rationalize that it was ‘meant’ to happen, it ‘had to happen’, and eventually ‘it will all make sense.’ The failed attempts to busy yourself, throw yourself into mindless activities, new hobbies, anything to distract you from this persistent and seemingly endless wave of pain. The moping and depressed state, where you wear the same thing for days at a time, barely eat or eat everything in sight is a prison. Nothing matters–only this person that the universe says no longer serves a purpose in your life. You wonder what could you possibly have done to have to endure this pain.
I think heartbreak is hard to explain if you’ve never experienced it. It doesn’t have to be a person you have been dating for years and parted ways. I think if we sat and thought about it, we have had our hearts broken earlier than our memory allows us to remember.
I believe our hearts break a little bit every time the love we have for another is unreturned. I think about all the little breaks; every time I professed my love and it wasn’t reciprocated. Every time distance or life stages didn’t match, and I was forced to let things fade out. That connection that stays with you in the back of your mind, long after that person has left your presence physically. Perhaps there is someone in your past that will always give you that familiar ache.
How do you move past it? I can only speak for myself; the way I have experienced heartbreak has been pretty consistent. I know that the ache feels suffocating initially. I want to throw the pain at anyone and anything that could potentially handle it better than me. I want to go to sleep and never wake up, because reality feels unbearable. There were moments of unimaginable sadness, so debilitating that I am forced to succumb to it.
Writing has always been therapeutic for me. It is both a relief and a release to get it out on paper. My advice is to allow yourself to go through all of the stages, all of the steps. Rushing the process only hurts you in the long run, and prevents the healing from really manifesting. Spend time doing things that spark joy. Allow yourself grace during this storm. Remind yourself that storms eventually pass. Remember that you are stronger than you think you are, even if it doesn’t feel like that at this moment. Trust yourself.
Mora Adeyi works full-time as a social worker, assistant professor, as well as a freelance writer. In her spare time, she loves napping, hanging with her girls, and binge watching romantic comedies. Mora has been writing on love for the past 9 years.