Signs You’re Becoming An Old Couple

February 5, 2019  |  
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old couple goals

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My boyfriend and I were laughing hysterically the other day after having this exchange across the apartment: my boyfriend said something I couldn’t hear, I asked, “What did you say?” to which he asked, “What?” to which I said, “I was asking what you said” to which he replied, “Babe I can’t hear you” and then nobody could remember what the original conversation was even about. “We’re becoming an old couple,” we both agreed. It just happens when you live together for a while and you become super comfortable. I, personally, wasn’t going to get up from the couch where I was specifically lying, face up, to keep the collagen mask in place on my face. He wasn’t going to get up from his favorite recliner chair to explain himself. So there you had it—90-year-olds trapped in 30-year-old bodies. Here are signs you’re becoming an old couple.

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Your bedtime routine is lengthy

You have to check that that one door is shut that keeps the noise out so the dog doesn’t bark and that the curtains are closed to just the right place to keep out too much morning sun but let it in enough to help us gently wake up. All the correct pillows need to be in the right spot. Where’s my eye mask? My boyfriend moved it. Where are his earplugs? I moved them.

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Digestive talk

Digestive talk finds its way in and out of our conversations, all day long. It just effortlessly seems to weave its way into our dialogue. We can talk about one thing, make a quick comment on my partner’s gas after what we ate, and go back to the other subject seamlessly.

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Asking, “What?!” a lot

Per my opening story, most of our relationship is just asking, “What did you say?!” across the apartment. It gets worse if one person is running water while the other tries to talk.

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Disliking most other people

We find ourselves being little curmudgeons. We’ll have to stop ourselves, after complaining about other people for 20 minutes and say, “When did we start hating everyone?”

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You’re the first couple at the party

If the invitation says the party starts at 8pm, we will be there at 7:59pm. We totally forgot that 8pm is lingo for “Arrive between 9 and 10:30 pm please.” The hosts are clearly not ready for us at 8pm.

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And you think the party starts too late

We personally think most parties and events start too late. We want to go but then we start discussing logistics like, “Well that means if we want to stay for even 90 minutes we won’t be home until 12:30 am and you know if we don’t get to bed by 1am we have a hard time sleeping.”

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You know each other’s vitamins/prescriptions

I know every vitamin and medication he takes and he knows all of mine. When we pack for trips, we ask each other, “Did you pack your magnesium? Fish oil? Zinc?”

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You’re proud of sex twice in a week

If we have sex more than once a week, we giggle about it like high schoolers—we think we are quite raunchy individuals.

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You only like two restaurants

It’s whittled down to just the two restaurants. The others are too loud, have too high a corkage fee, use too much grease, or have a slightly rude hostess so we’re just out.

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You’re meddling and gossiping

You know you’ve become an old couple when you start meddling in the lives of your single friends. My boyfriend and I can talk for hours about the people who we believe should be together or shouldn’t be together and how we can show them the light.

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You over-calculate how long things take

If the movie is at 8pm we think we should leave our place (a mere four miles from the theater) at 6:45 pm. What if the parking lot is very full and we have to circle? Then park far from the theater? And we want good seats. And we want time to hit the concession stand and pee before the movie begins.

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You won’t go if there’s traffic

If there’s going to be even mild traffic we simply aren’t attending the social event. Only a best best friend’s birthday is getting us to sit in traffic. But someone whom we like a lot but aren’t BFF’s with isn’t getting us to sit in traffic for anything.

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You’re skeptical of new friends

If someone wants to bring a friend to our super bowl party and we don’t know that person, we have a lot of questions. Political views? Cleanliness? Will they eat all the food? Be nice to the dog?

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You discuss your many ailments

Bad knee, weird tail bone thing, clicking in the ear—we know it all and we touch base about it all, every day.

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You have your designated things

He has his pillow and I have mine. We have our seats on the couch. We have our separate blankets. There is a leash I like to use to walk the dog and one he likes. We can say, “Where is my fill in blank” and the other knows exactly what it is.

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