Hilarious Things You Worry About After Age 40
I was teasing my mom the other day because she wanted to get to the movie theaters nearly an hour early. “Last week was a holiday so tourists may still be in town and it could be very busy.” I begrudgingly compromised, we went 45 minutes early, and we sat in a very empty theater for, well, actually the whole movie because we were seeing a matinee (also her choice) and nobody really goes to those. But, it’s cute—those are the things you worry about past a certain age. A lot of it has to do with comfort. My mom didn’t want to stand around in a long line, waiting to pick up tickets. She didn’t want to struggle to find a parking spot, and have to walk too far from the car. I don’t really think about those things but, I will even admit that even I find certain concerns taking priority in my mind that didn’t in my, say, twenties. Here are funny things you only worry about after 40.
Getting good movie seats
On the movie topic, having a good seat is a must. You can’t be too far back because then you won’t be able to see everything properly without your glasses. You can’t be too close because craning your neck leaves you in too much pain. You’d also like to be near an exit, for your overactive bladder.
Young women not wearing coats
For some reason, seeing a young woman walking around without a coat on if it is any colder that 65 degrees is quite alarming. You find yourself actually saying—to women you don’t know—“Aren’t you cold?! Where’s your jacket?!”
What happens after two drinks?
After two cocktails, any number of things could happen and you probably won’t like any of them. You could fall asleep on the spot. You could get heartburn. You could have to pee every 15 minutes until the following day. It may interact with your medication poorly.
Roller blading, etc.
You don’t just instantly say yes to activities like roller blading. You have to worry about things like falling. This was always a possibility, but you become especially worried about falling after 40.
If you’re on an airplane, where is the bathroom? If you’re at a gala, where is the bathroom? If you’re at a party, where is the bathroom? One of the first things you do when you get anywhere is locate the bathroom.
Really good wine
You actually care about the wine. Even if you aren’t a wine snob, you care a little. It’s not like in your twenties when you literally ordered by saying, “I’ll have your cheapest wine.” You ask questions like “What pairs well with the fish?” and “Do you have anything full-bodied?”
Packing your own pillows
You start packing your own pillows for trips. You just need a lot of pillows and certain kinds. You put one between your knees, one between your arms, and one over your head to block out sound.
You really don’t like surprise visits. You don’t like running into people on your morning walk with the dog. You just feel more insecure about having people see you before you’ve put your face on.
Will you understand the TV show?
If someone in her twenties recommends a TV show, you find yourself asking, “Will it make sense to me?” or “Will I know what’s going on?” It’s at the point where new shows have too many references that you don’t get.
Being called “M’am”
I don’t mean that you’re worried about being called it—you’re sort of worried about not being called it. If some kid calls you a girl or a chick you’re sort of offended. You’re a woman and you earned that.
When you notice everyone talking about some new social media app, you’re just stressed out. You used to get excited by those things. But now you just know you’re going to have to learn something you won’t understand.
When you’ll be seated
You don’t just show up to a restaurant. You make reservations. You can be very particular about the time of the reservations—7:15 is okay but 7:45 is really pushing it.
A really nice hotel room
You won’t slum it in hotels anymore. You need there to be an on-site spa, a nice pool, an on-site restaurant, a nice lobby, a bell hop…No motels for you.
You always want to know the weather and you do always know the weather. You never get caught in the rain again. You have notifications on your phone and computer about the weather. You will not have bad weather ruin your nice shoes. You won’t miss a chance to wear your designer sunglasses. You take good care of yourself and your things, and watching the weather is a part of that.
Everyone’s Internet safety
If you learn about some Internet scam, you email everyone you know to warn them, and post about it on Facebook. You call your friends and warn them. You personally police the issue.